red wine and cigarettes

...sterces

2005-11-17T12:33:00.000-08:00

two days in a row. and the world stands still. what could possibly be happening? twice in 24 hours; it seems a bit excessive.

it seemed so easy, yet lending sound to these thoughts would obviously be anything but simple. torments, little uncertainties, questions facilitated by this lack of closure. to speak would erase this restlessness and return me again to some better mindless sleep. or will it? will the closure i need be the closure i feared?

finally, these apprehensions have found a voice, i hold them in no more. but with these words comes only the worst. no peace, no rest; just the end i hoped would not be. bated words flow at last; confirming my fears and bringing with them a host of regrets. the mystery was better. silence was golden.

alas

2005-11-16T13:44:00.000-08:00

so i owe you all a post. actually i don't owe anyone a damn thing. but somehow i feel guilty for the haunting silence that has overrun this place. being that i have been busy and generally lacking creativity, i have been absent of late. and in this absence i may have chased away all of you readers; the ones i hated, and sadly the ones i liked.
.
but alas!!! what a word. it sounds so good in my head and even in writing. alas! alas! alas! but who says alas? it is my contention that anyone who uses "alas" in every day conversation is a boring person and is thus trying, in speech, to compensate for their otherwise drab personality. i hate those people.
.
alas!!! i have found a new audience...emptiness. my words echo and fall pointlessly to the floor. so here i am, in the same place as always. a sudden desire to write and nothing to say. i find this indicative of a greater problem in life.
.
i think ambiguity is perfect; i like when something leaves you with more questions than answers. questions of meaning, depth, and reality. beautiful sentence fragments that need no revisions. rainy nights filled with irony. sometimes, though said with eloquence, the poetry does not erase the underlying hollowness.
.
i am drowning in red.

hey

2005-10-09T23:36:00.000-07:00

so after climbing up on my soapbox and proclaiming my dedication to honesty and lack of censorship; i seemed to have vanished. my apologies in that i have been exceptionally busy with my life, love and proverbial pursuit of happiness...not to mention another project that seems to monopolize my creativity and writing time.

anyways, i am still alive. and, i really have nothing to say. except this....grey's anatomy on the american broadcasting network is the best show i have seen in a long time. lame i know, but i am obsessed. i have been watching it since the pilot, being that it is set in seattle, and every episode that i see fascinates me. the more i watch, the more i am amazed. in short, the writing is absolutely perfect it is brilliantly cerebral; i am hooked. watch it (ideally start from the first episode if you have never seen it.) i am a harsh critic and this show won me over from day one. if you think it sucks...you are dumb.

and now; since i have nothing of merit to say i will leave you with something that someone said better. again, ben gibbard is a genius and his attention to detail, set to music truly mezmerizes me and my elitist musical opinion (at least that's what the naysayers call it.) enjoy!!

what sarah said (death cab)

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time

As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409

And I rationed my breathes as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today

As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye

It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds

But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all

And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room

Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news

Then the nurse comes round and everyone lifts their head

But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"

So who's going to watch you die?...

exit

2005-09-15T19:01:00.000-07:00

it has come to my recent attention that i have a much wider audience than i ever thought. not with strangers, i mean i have the stupid stat counter and i can see you all coming in and out my doors. the thing that gets me is that i have a much wider audience among people i actually know or knew. and this concerns me. you see i come here for various reasons but mostly just for an escape. often times the craziness that is life gets so jumbled up in my head that making any sense of it is virtually impossible. some of the thoughts are trivial like, "i wonder if she knows that she is the only one that thinks she is intelligent?" or perhaps, "if i close my eyes, when i open them will the stupidity stop falling from your mouth?" but then other thoughts, though common, do not fall in the same banal category as their aforementioned counterparts. and these are the thoughts that tend to come out here. sure i have discussed my undying love for beer and the stupidity of my former co-workers. but somewhere, somehow things took a turn here.

i seem to have opted for a different kind of post. perhaps by choice, but usually these words find their way here on their own. it is like these thoughts want to be here and thus, they are. not because of my desire to be perceived by the faceless reader as brooding or deep, but because they exist somewhere in my mind. to them, my mind as their home will not suffice. they want their own existence beyond thought and so they have chosen another invisible place, here in this digital wasteland. sure i could come here and launch into a sarcastic tirade of insults, cleverly mocking the fashion sense of the average wal-mart shopper. in fact, that could be an entire blog, which if there were a wal-mart anywhere near here i would gladly indulge you all in the travesties against clothing that seem to adorn 97% of the wal-mart shopping americans. but for what, so we can all have a laugh at sarah's $17 overly faded denim? or perhaps we could all chuckle at some witty caption below a picture highlighting the unfortunate gap between jeni's over stretched tank top and her stirrup pants.

and you are lost, hyper-ramble has taken hold and i must now bring you back full circle. this is many times my shred of solace, my escape from the storm. and in this place, the words that seem to find their way onto our screens are not what many of you are used to. to the faceless reader, they mean nothing, they are the ramblings of a stranger and sometimes, someone, somehow relates. and i like that. if i can lend a voice to the thoughts of a stranger while simultaneously making sense of that which is often not spoken, i am happy. i am happy just making sense of this mess whether or not anyone relates.

but to you, the ones i know, my posts seem to conjure up a host of questions. for instance, i have now spoken of the mess in my head, which a handful of you "friends" will glibly interpret as a problem. you will read, you will ponder and you will question my mental state. somtimes i lose you, as each word unfolds you derive some ludicrous interpretation. i am discussing no one in particular, and those bloggers i know first hand fall not in this category. however, if you are wondering, "is he talking about me?" the answer is emphatically, yes. if that question somehow found its way into your mind, you are in fact the very person i am speaking of who comes here, reads, silently judges, and leaves. and to you i say, "stay away." this place is my place and you are not welcome. to most, these could be the thoughts of anyone, and in my anonymity they find nothing odd. but then there is you, wondering, "what the hell is wrong with sam, has he gone off the deep end?"

i am still the same person you always knew, but my smile often masks a host of other emotions. i speak of my down falls, my struggles, and my worries. but you never saw that. you know me as the easy going, fun loving guy who is always ready with a sarcastic comment. you always laughed but that is all you ever did; you never saw beyond the laughter. and now you are thinking, "what a conceited bastard; he thinks he is so funny and so perceptive." to which i would normally reply with some back-handed rebuttal. but i am done, i spoke of this once before, though i did not lend it the clarity i have opted for this time. and now twice, i have acknowledged your unwelcome presence, and twice i have shown you the door. if you are disturbed, worried, confused, or angry, find a better hobby. i don't need you lurking in the corners here, passing your misinformed judgments and arriving at the outrageous conclusions you so eagerly look for. move on.

to the rest of you, i love you. thanks for stopping by and keeping me company, you are welcome any time.

introspection...

2005-09-06T23:54:00.000-07:00

i came here to find meaning and realized that meaning is nothing more than a lofty concept. yet somehow i delude myself into believing that maybe once, if only for a moment, meaning will come. i blindly pursue depth, thinking there is such a thing. perhaps in these words lies an epiphany; perhaps in my ramblings i will find myself. yet in this futile search i am lost. somehow, i no longer recognize what i am searching for. i have become my blindness, masking myself in some unfamiliar ambiguity. what lies in the mirror matserfully disguises what lies beneath its counterpart. chaos, a disillusioned soul, an empty quest. then all at once it falls around me and the silence grows. yet silence is not peace and this place is not real. i cannot hold this new self together any easier than i can find some old more familiar self.

breakdown

2005-08-31T02:41:00.000-07:00

i sat and watched you; trapped in your own reality, oblivious to the way things are. i tried and failed. to help you is impossible, we all tried and failure came in many shapes. you isolate yourself, not because you want to but because you know no other way. inside your mind is a world none have seen, you hide it, telling yourself no one would understand. inside your heart is emptiness, scarred by life and filled only by the constant flow of sorrow. behind your smile is nothing but fear, fear of love, fear of trust, fear of them. and they do it again, and again you bleed but again you tell me you are fine.

you cannot come out, you cannot find yourself, you can never know what you are looking for. you are blind to their blows, numb to the pain, tired of fighting what to you are shadows. and so you quit. there was no beginning and so there can be no end. you once loved with the softest, innocent trust but you would never know that, you cannot know that. gone are the tears, instead sorrow and pain bring overwhelming doubt and silent vows of vengeance. they did this to you, but to admit that would only give them the power you swore was never theirs. and again you fall; enduring defeat after defeat.

love will find you and love will leave you. you will watch it come over you and fail to recognize what wraps its arms around you. oh that you could see beyond yourself. oh that you could name your pain and leave it behind. but you won't, you will never give them power. you will stay inside yourself, trying to hide what we all see. you will bleed, smiling all the while. never can they know they have gotten to you. their power is your failure.

it was them, not you! to deny this has been your ruin and to admit this will bring ruin. a ruin to the darkness you created, a ruin to this perception that is now your reality. find your tears, feel your pain and let this place fall all around you. you have held this together long enough. let go.

plans

2005-08-30T13:33:00.000-07:00

go buy the new death cab album; it came out today!!!!! you won't be disappointed, i have had it on repeat all day and it gets better with every spin. go buy it now, and if you don't have any of their old albums buy them all too. ok, better post to come soon, i guess summer is over so i will try to get back to a more regular posting schedule. my thank you's (is that how you make "thank you" plural) go out to all of you who keep checking up on me in my sporadic updating schedule.

nite

2005-08-24T03:46:00.000-07:00

it seems lack of sleep has driven me here again. this time it is the other end of the spectrum. i came here to read, to lull my mind to some sweet oblivion. but i am still awake and so now i write. perhaps a short stint at creativity might be the proverbial straw that pushes me into the darkness i cannot find.

sometimes i think if i sit here and type, something will come out. tonite, that is not the case. instead you get a running commentary on my inability to put my mind on one subject long enough to discuss it.

i really pity people that secretly evaluate you and gloat in your shortcomings. what a miserable existence, to lurk in the darkness waiting for the next failure you can pass on to your lifeless companions. how does one's life become so mediocre that they must feed the dogs with the happenings of someone else? have enough people become wise to your ploys? have your ranks become so small that you must seek satisfaction in the missteps of those who have long since moved on? well, enjoy!!! i am glad to do my part to keep the rumor mills spinning.

um?

2005-08-19T07:07:00.000-07:00

i couldn't sleep this morning; i got up before 6:00 a.m. for me, that is early, i hate mornings. i have been blog hopping ever since and felt the sudden urge to post myself. however, i have absolutely nothing to say. why does every morning news show suck and why do they all do the weather report at the same time? do people really care what the weather is going to be like in the summer? it will be warm or hot, i don't need some dip5hit to stand there and tell me that three times an hour. and now, french fries are linked to breast cancer. dammit, again i don't care. granted, i love breasts and never wish any harm on any breasts, but do i need some ugly ass women to sit there and talk about french fries and breast lumps. that is the last thing i want to hear about before the coffee works its magic. change the channel you say, i did, its the weather again. ok, i am sorry, my wife was a weather anchor and then i cared about the weather, plus she was good to look at. so no, i don't hate weather anchors, just every weather anchor but her. and on that note, stop sending me concerned e-mails about my posts. have you ever heard of a metaphor or a concept. i hate to do this because i want people to take what they want from what i write, but i must assure the worried that my marriage is peachy keen. i couldn't be happier. so when you read my posts, they could have a completely different meaning than the one you got...many times, that is the point. if you can't grasp that, you are too dumb to read them and you should stop coming here. there is my word vomit for today, like i said, i am not a morning person, coherence comes to me after copious amounts of coffee. apparently so does diplomacy. is it too early to start drinking? c'mon weekend stop taunting me.

interruption

2005-08-09T11:33:00.000-07:00

atmosphere, heavy...the faint smell of a cigarette lingered in the air; adding texture to the otherwise stale smell. an acoustic guitar, somewhere in the distance, competed with lively conversation swirling all around me. laughter and alcohol did their best to cover the overwhelming poignance everyone sensed, but never acknowledged. we all hoped the loneliness we came with would not accompany us into the darkness awaiting just beyond last call. in typical fashion, i drank and talked anticipating happiness but finding only stinging laughter.

in the midst of the chaos, silence; there she was. our eyes met briefly but they spoke volumes. in me she saw the disillusion i try so hard to mask. in her, i saw hope; something better than the miscarriages past glances had afforded me. i saw the sunrise, an awakening from this private nite i accepted would never end. i looked again, secretly hoping she would do the same. oh, that fleeting rush she holds in her eyes, i had tasted it only once but the addiction was instant. my subtle glance was greeted with a knowing smile and a warmth like i had never imagined. yes, there it was again, a soft sunrise, a gentle glow, and i felt it. she chased away the numbness i had long ago accepted as permanent.

it was too much; all of these feelings all at once. i struggled to make sense of them, struggled to digest them, i tried to think but i knew not where to start. the next hour unfolded in my mind and i began to hail my courage through glass after glass. i would approach her and her smile would fill this familiar emptiness. we would talk, she would laugh and this hypnosis would relent. it would be perfect; she would animate this lifeless soul. if only i had spoken to her before she was gone. if only this was not another moment slipping through my fingers entrenching my emptiness and returning the numbness. this was me, too comfortable to care; too aloof to answer opportunity's knock.

dell

2005-08-03T16:13:00.000-07:00

the following is the latest in a string of e-mails i have sent to dell. i am abandoning my usual use of all lower case letters for this post. enjoy.

To whom it may concern,

I hate to be a nag over here but here goes. I just had my laptop fixed by one of your fine technicians this morning, which I greatly appreciate. However, my speakers still sound like helpless drowning victims, a.k.a distorted. The gentleman who fixed them says he does not know what is wrong with them since I now have a new motherboard and speakers. Any thoughts? And now on to more pressing issues. Please join me in this short but pertinent digression. I have a brand new problem. After your technician put my laptop back together, the space bar stopped working. In other words, if I press it, it does not make a space. I know this may seem trivial but by no means is this some menial problem. I use my laptop everyday for my job and now it is handicapped with no consolation. Given its impairment, I feel it deserves a free parking spot but no one has obliged the plight of this ill fated laptop. So you see, the speakers, luxury, I hope one day they will sound better, but it is inconsequential at this point. If they drown, they drown. However the space bar, my God, this issue requires the attention of the world. For without it I am doomed, reduced to a bumbling idiot, trying in vain to communicate with the world through the shoddiest of syntax. Please, lend a hand, heed my cry, and rectify this most tragic impediment lest I be banished to grammar hell for my blatant disregard of spacing. Fortunately for you I am using a colleague's computer to draft this message. But, in case you think this problem deserves little attention, please read this same e-mail as it would look had I sent it from my Dell Inspiron 600m.

Regards,

Sam

editor's note: i also sent them a copy of this with no spaces but when i tried to publish it here it was one long line and looked terrible on blogger. sorry!!!

familiar

2005-07-27T23:21:00.000-07:00

it never made sense to me. she, familiar but unknown. me, ever-changing into sameness. i could always predict her unpredictability, always misunderstand her logic, but she could never satiate my boredom. people change but changing together means always being the same. the laughter was stale, the music the same. today is yesterday and yesterday, tomorrow. this jaded poison has sucked the life out of every movement. familiar exchanges take the place of heartfelt emotion. "i love you" rings empty in the silence, lingering briefly in the air before falling helplessly to the floor, returning the comfortable awkwardness we were so accustomed to. i once lived for the moment but this moment has become forever. i am blinded by complacency, i am numb. life happens around me, and i, i have become sidelined by this indelible emptiness. words fail me. and my rambling trails off, leaving you again with questions that can only be answered by ambiguity.

grey

2005-06-13T19:07:00.000-07:00

it was saturday. the rain and the sun traded blows, each trying to establish dominance. but this battle was an afterthought, only an atmosphere with which to hold the ensuing battle. the real struggle was all mental and thus it took precedence in my troubled mind. saturday's conflict was not as cut and dry as the classic skirmishes our society has afforded us. for, in this scene the lines between good and evil, between right and wrong, between black and white were all blurred. instead there was only a murky grey. good was evil and evil was not definable.

saturday was a flash back. but this was no mental snapshot, instead i was physically thrust into an all-too-real shadow of my haunting past. a past that brings restless nights, empty days, and surprising moments of confusing anger. time and its intrinsic healing ability has rounded off the edges and numbed the acuteness. yet there is no amount of time that will ever erase these scars.

in a moment, i am undone. time and all its power mean nothing. clarity is lost and i am once again left to make black and white out of grey. somehow, your delusions transcend everyone present, yet they baffle me. will you ever see the world beyond your mind? the world in which you are wrong; the world in which the pain you inflict is visible not to me but to you?

to me, this will never make sense. to you, there was never any sense to make. in grey you see black as white and wrong as right. your pride holds your humility and your pleasure, pain. your lies are infallible, to you, they are truth.

saturday is gone and my innocence is lost. saturday is gone and your innocence is reassured. somehow, someway, you win. you brought awareness to my pain. you forced me to assign words to your delusions. you confirmed my fears; your words still hurt. i told myself you meant nothing but saturday melted my indifference leaving me in speechless horror as it became water running through my hands.

sigh

2005-06-09T03:31:00.000-07:00

i write tonite because of you. you taunt and frustrate me to no end. why do you elude me when i need you most? it is like a game to you, you see my desire, my utter desperation and yet you stay just beyond my reach. i cannot grab you, i cannot taste you, i can only imagine your sweet, satiating oblivion. oh, how i want you, but my longing frightens you. you engage my thoughts and it is that very engagement that keeps you at arms length. i breath slowly and deeply, letting gravity have its way with my body. but my mind races. where is your numbness? where is your peace? if only tonite i were sleeping at last.

saturday

2005-05-28T15:33:00.000-07:00

i have turned into the blogger i hate. a good two weeks and no post. not that i have had nothing to say, it was the time to say it that interfered with publicizing my thoughts. and now, time is on my side but creativity is not. what a bitch. perhaps, the sun and its unwelcome heat has dried up my puny imagination.

it is weird being away from this little pseudo-world. intelligence, wit, charm, and entertainment lie within its bounds. and beyond this imaginary place, i find these things much more sporadic, like the now random intervals between my posts. and so today i returned to a place i love, a place that only exists electronically and yet a place that seems more real than the trivial exchanges of last nite.

oh, friday nite...the alcohol, the music, the lies, the empty quests of a thousand men. drunk and lonely, frustrated by the rebuttals of the fairer sex, they pour out into the embrace of darkness. to their homes they return only to find a nagging emptiness. a cold bed is all that awaits; it serves only as a reminder of their failed charm. but saturday is just around the corner.

she sits alone nursing her wine and he, equally lonely, offers to join her. they talk, he lies, she laughs, he smiles. the drinks go by and the conversation continues. feelings built on deception start to strengthen their grip on her inner isolation. she has vowed to never let her guard down again but vows are just that. nothing more than empty promises made to oneself in their darkest hour to somehow numb the pain with false resolution. in this moment their is no guard, no recollection of any vow, only a longing and a perceived answer. she is overcome with acceptance. together they leave; alone she awakes. and in her sobriety she makes a vow.

hi

2005-05-13T11:27:00.000-07:00

just want to let you all know that i am still alive. i am extremely busy (in a good way) at my new job and have not had time to post. i think this will be the case for a while. no, i am not gone for good, i am still lurking in the dark corners of your blogs. i will try to post as often as i can but it will be much more sporadic in the near future. hopefully it will be more regular as things calm down here.

me

2005-05-07T12:06:00.000-07:00

so i had to try this damn thing too. i saw amber's and being the egomaniacal person i am, i gave it a whirl.

Your #1 Match: INFP

The Idealist

You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.
Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.
It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.
But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.

You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

Your #2 Match: ENFP

The Inspirer

You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.
You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules.
Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.
You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're qutie the storyteller!

You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

What's Your Personality Type?

laters

2005-05-05T12:35:00.000-07:00

today the sun has chosen not to show its face. instead, as i look out the window all i see is a suicide grey. this day is like a poorly lit movie. the kind that is painful to watch. the whole time you sit there thinking, "someone turn on a light." nevertheless, the weather is irrelevant and has nothing to do with my mood. as far as i am concerned the weather is always the same inside. and so today i sit beneath the fluorescent bulbs and wish for darkness. i hate overhead lighting, i find it both bland and intrusive.

segue...i am quitting my job today. yup! i am out of here. in this line of work, you don't give two weeks notice when you say you are done...that's it. i start a much better job on monday and i can't wait to get the hell out of here. once the boredom is deafening, i will go through the formalities with my boss and be on my way. this is also irrelevant.

okay that is all for now, a grey day, a fluorescent day, a new day.

again

2005-05-04T13:11:00.000-07:00

it's may and i have not posted. dammit, i am a slacker. i have been busy and this place has taken a bit of a back seat lately. i really haven't had anything to say...sorry.

she said it was serious, she said it was a big deal but inside i laughed. i laughed because i always laugh. to her it is always a big deal and to me it never is. the stresses of life, the uncertainty of tomorrow, the issues of the moment are intoxicating to her. to her there is nothing else, no way out, no bright future. but i am numb. she never thinks i take her seriously and truth be told, i don't take me seriously. i can't. i won't allow myself...i take nothing seriously.

and so there we are again, together in the moment but only to together in the sense of time and space. in every other sense of togetherness we have nothing, we have opposite emotions, opposite dispositions, opposite everything. she knows this; i know this and then i speak. i hardly recognize the words as they come out of my mouth and she cries again. i want to be what she needs but i can't. what happened to me? am i emotionally inept?

somewhere, somehow, i lost my way. before that undefined moment in life, i felt. sadness was sadness, happiness was happiness, and pain was real. but something changed, in a certain light i would say i became the wiser. yet in another light, inablility to feel certain things looks more like a step in the wrong direction.

coping mechanisms are all i know. i use the proverbial crutch. i feel no stress and give no issue its due time. i push away the uncomfortable and somehow whittle everything's importance down to nothing. and then i laugh...and then, she cries.

yeah

2005-04-28T11:40:00.000-07:00

so i guess i must be doing something right here in idiotville. they gave me my own office today which makes me very happy. but my smile comes not from the reasons you may expect. i don't care about the privacy, it does not stroke my ego, and i don't feel as though i have made it. my pleasure comes from the fact that i am now my own d.j.

from time to time on this here forum, i have complained about the music at work. now those complaints will be no more. clients will come in and wonder where my euphoric smile is coming from, my production will double, and mondays will even be decent. i now have control over my mood. this may make no sense to some, but to me, music is a part of me. my feelings rise and fall with the intensity. my body feels the rhythm from head to toe, brilliant lyrics fascinate me, and the artistry is mysterious.

my involuntary smirk is brought to you today courtesy of rilo kiley.

happy thursday everyone!!!!

something

2005-04-27T11:49:00.000-07:00

its humpday and i have yet to post this week. sorry for my recent absence; it is a combination of being sick and too busy for my own good. maybe my recent sickness has made me more pensive as i feel i have nothing humorous to write about. but since i owe you a post, here ya go.

it was always your intention. but it seems with you, intentions are just that. they are grand ideas in your head. they are dreams, goals and desires. nothing more; never action just concepts. i wanted to believe otherwise but you make it so damn hard. you and your lucid empty promises. why the emptiness? where is the breakdown? that in your mind will never be, you won't allow it.

dammit! that is all the antihistamines allow me. no more to that thought, it was fleeting. just had to throw in some randomness between these paragraphs. i hate smooth jazz, it is killing me. back to idiotville.

now

2005-04-23T13:43:00.000-07:00

i looked at you today and i felt as if i did not know you. you made me laugh, but your jests always stung. what happened? did someone else get the best of you? did they drink in your beauty before life's inherent pains took their toll? did they laugh at your humor when it was only innocent or has cynicism always been your style? did someone love you when you loved unconditionally? did they enjoy your unwavering trust that is now just an afterthought? did they have you before you became your fragile self?

did they make you this way? did they destroy your trust and make you vow to never love again? did they inflict the pain that haunts your soul and steal the innocence that peers out from your hardened gaze? why have you let them make you this way? why give them the upper hand? they planned, they executed, they laughed, and you let them. you let them win. is this a shadow of your former self or is this you? what is you? have they stripped you away and left this hollow shell or is this what you were and will always be? was it them?

skip

2005-04-23T12:57:00.000-07:00

i figure if i write, something will come out. but my damn cold medicine is inducing extreme incoherence. so what! coherence is far too celebrated. we praise a well executed linear thought like it is something to be proud of. granted, a good thought for some is a major accomplishment. but prudent speaking or writing lacks spontaneity; it lacks the vigor and mystery of chaos. i like flowers and birds. spring in seattle is a blissful season. now, you would never know that if i took the time to edit myself into the coherence so many readers have been conditioned to expect. but knowing that is also pointless, b.f.d. you know it is a nice day. what now? i am about to publish my worst post ever. i feel like i just half-assed my homework assignment and now i am turning it in expecting an "f." but hey, at least i did it...sort of.

stupid

2005-04-19T11:59:00.000-07:00

i feel like i owe you all a decent post. work seems to garner so much of my attention lately. thus, my at work posting has become mediocre at best. but hey, mediocracy isn't all that bad. at least it is easy for us lazy ones. and we all know that laziness pays off now. yet, i have an insatiable appetite for new content from all of you. and being the fair and benevolent fellow that i am, i must return the favor.

unfortunately, i really have nothing to say...my creative juices seem to have dried up. granted, there are countless idiocies around me; all of which could be documented to your delight. however, i am starting to think that the inherent stupidity of my atmosphere is hardly worth recording. i guess i feel that by not acknowledging it, i somehow disavow its existence. if i don't let you hear the falling tree in the proverbial forest, than no, it did not make a noise.

whatever...enough with the loftiness. the typing of this post was interrupted by, you guessed it, stupidness. and since folly makes for a better read than my delusional ideals i will oblige you. i just got out of a meeting with my boss. the sole purpose of this meeting was to discuss my dress shoes. the ones i wear whenever i wear black slacks. apparently, they are too casual. and now my shoes are offended. they keep bitching at me to nut up and tell my boss that he has no taste. i told them that my boss already knows how much they cost but they are still mad. they have vowed to trip me at every inopportune moment. "what does a louisiana boy know about italian leather," they demanded.

now to you this may seem trivial, that's because it is. but this trivial gripe has a point; my footwear selection will not paint a better face on his company. he can church it up all he wants, but a simple switch in the texture of the leather that adorns my feet will not distract our clients from the painfully obvious. leather does not mask, the fact that we are nothing more than glorified used car sales men. it will not compensate for his poor grammar and botched cliches. my shoes will not add the professionalism he seeks. only professionalism can do that. and here, professionalism is as real as the silence of a falling tree.

would stupidity by any other name be less stupid?

picture

2005-04-18T17:41:00.000-07:00

so...for everyone who needs to see a picture of jake and i check this out. it is not exactly what you expect but it is us. we are in the top picture. jake is on the left and i am on the right. enjoy!!!!

pullman

2005-04-18T12:31:00.000-07:00

since blogland seems to be doing the meet and greet, i decided to do the same thing. i went to pullman this weekend and saw jake and kyle and pete among others. but all good things must come to an end, so here i am, back in seattle...and it is monday. more to come soon. sorry for another short post.

taxes

2005-04-15T13:47:00.000-07:00

yuk!

beer

2005-04-15T01:04:00.000-07:00

yum...

repetition

2005-04-13T12:57:00.000-07:00

little nuances about me seem to proliferate my every action. in analyzing my actions, i am becoming aware that i am slightly insane. to me the definition of insanity is this: trying the same thing the same way and expecting different results. and yet i do this constantly.

i go to the refrigerator to see if there is anything good to eat. nope! ten minutes later, i go check again. nope! five minutes go by; better have a look, maybe i missed something. nope! this continues for far too long. one more trip, mmm yogurt.

i am a west coast blogger and a majority of the blogs i read are written by people in earlier time zones. when i do the late nite blog-hop most of you writers are fast asleep. i finish my rounds and then, boredom. so i check you all again...nothing new, you are flirting with the sandman, and you like it. but the boredom remains and so another conditioned response. blog-hop! nada....blog-hop...damn you people wake up and entertain my insatiable appetite for your wit. blog-hop...nice johnny has a new post. i love you west coasters. blog-hop. dammit!!! your sleep is not as important as my intellectual stimulation.

the cycle continues. i come to work, no internet. dammit i am going to die. five minutes pass, double-click..nothing. two minutes, reboot, double-click. aaahhhh! four minutes, double-click, for the love of god!!!! two minutes, five minutes, three minutes. nope, zip, why, oh why? ten minutes...hello world.

so i am not insane. i do the same thing the same way and i almost always come up empty. but sometimes, if only once...gratification. thus the pointless cycle, sometimes there is a point.

um

2005-04-12T13:47:00.000-07:00

i am so damn busy today...trying to blog between clients. what a bitch.

what is it about you that captures me, why do i keep coming back? you are sweet beyond words but your sweetness will be the death of me. i cannot escape you, i cannot love you. even though i hate you, i will always want you. love and hate seem polar opposites, but in you i find them both. when i am with you, you are all i need, away from you, you are all i want. but all i want is what i don't need. i know you are all wrong for me. you are my death, i run your consequences through my head and they would convince even a fool to walk away. but not me; here i am, coming back for more. i seek solace in your emptiness, pleasure in your poison, but your allure is intoxicating. what i know is not what i feel and what i feel controls me.

you blind me with your mystery, i will never understand you. yet i try and trying always brings failure. you make me feel so small, in you lie all my inadequacies. the smile you paint on my conflicted face is always hollow. your desolation can bring nothing but that....

just the start of a thought, that is probably all it will ever be.

pretense

2005-04-11T13:22:00.000-07:00

sometimes when every song on the radio is lame and i am bored of all the other music in my car, i choose intelligence. i change the channel to the the very articulate npr. i think it makes me feel smart or something. so today while i was driving to work i decided it should be an npr day.

when my dial found the lofty station it was seeking, the news was just finishing. then came an interview on something very important...toilets. apparently in our state toilets are not allowed to use more than 1.5 gallons per flush. according to the interviewer, it is essential to find a toilet that does this well. a toilet that uses little water and gets the job done.

since finding an adequate flushing device is paramount, they were offering advice on which toilets to buy. now, i appreciate a vast vocabulary as much as the next guy; but we are talking about toilets here. "oh, this toilet is exquisite," said the educated voice on the radio.

"and this toilet offers one of the most impeccable flushes on the market."

what is with these poeple? how do they take themselves seriously? it is a shitter. save the the magniloquence for something that doesn't dispose of human excrement

tonite

2005-04-09T13:12:00.000-07:00

wow! i am kinda tired, but somehow i found it necessary to post. i really have nothing to say; i just felt like typing. why do i always return to my invisible friends?

wheat thins are so good. but not as good as beer. beer is better than wheat thins and ritz crackers combined.

are joe and bran really gone?

i want a jumbo jack with cheese.

my jeans are cooler than yours. guaranteed!! challenge my confidence...i dare you.

i am going to do an m.s. walk on sunday. i think it is for a good cause but i really have no idea what the hell m.s. is. i am honestly walking to feel better about myself. i am going to walk to help something that i am oblivious to. i think a lot of people are doing the same thing.

yum...beer is so good.

so is sleep...but not yet.

i wish it was football season again.

the remote is probably as good of an invention as the television....the laptop is a better invention than the p.c.

beer is a better invention than pretty much anything.

i hate when people read my rambling and then think, "man, i feel sorry for him." well guess what; i feel sorry for you and your pitiful boring ass life. the only vindication you have in life is false. you think you are somehow better than people who love life more than you. go away loser reader, enjoy your empty quest to be above reproach you pretentious, elitist low-life.

sorry there is nothing to read here. maybe i will have something intelligent to say another day.

true

2005-04-08T16:19:00.000-07:00

i like friday.

her

2005-04-06T00:21:00.000-07:00

she was walking alone between the high-rises. the rain trickled down her face; there was no mistaking her. gone was the smile i had come to hate. it had since been replaced with a hardness that dared you to break through. it had been four years since we parted, she was only a foggy memory. she was vanishing. little reminders of her had long lost the atmosphere that once gave them context. yet this brief glimpse quickly filled in the details.

i once thought it was perfect, but then again that was once. not like once upon a time but once, only for a second. i stayed though; i stayed because it was comfortable, it was all i knew. even when i wanted to move on, movement was beyond me. i would plan it, but planning was useless. she was always the wiser, she knew my plans but she knew they were just that. yet one day those plans would become the elusive. they would be action.

the flashback was not as i had pictured. yes, her dejected face brought with it a flood of memories. yet the recollection was no longer laced with pain and anger. anger had given way to pity and the pain had almost become indifference. she was gone and seeing her only served to hasten her erasing.

fat

2005-04-05T15:42:00.000-07:00

i had so many good things to say last nite but i drank too much and now i forgot. that sucks. i guess i could bitch about the music here today, it is easy listening...enough said.

i was watching the news last nite and they were doing a story on obesity. these stories are hard for me to watch because i am so damn fat. ha! (not really, i am trying to get fat but i am failing miserably. i think it would be cool to take up more space in the world. how awesome would it be if i took up twice as much room...this is my 300 pound area and you can't have it; so amazing) actually this did have a point. they kept on showing shots of huge asses and large stomachs. no faces, just fat mid sections. wouldn't that suck if you saw your own fat ass on the news? i wonder how many anonymous fatties know they are being used to scare us all out of our gluttonous lifestyles.

hey

2005-04-04T11:51:00.000-07:00

i am here; haven't posted since thursday. i guess that is a long time in blogland. maybe i was depressed because i thought brandy got knocked up. dammit! i can't believe i took the bait.

in other news, i am tired. this daylight savings time thing sucks. i think i am going to move to arizona; i hear they don't observe it there. must be nice.

today i am completely uninspired.

screwed

2005-03-31T11:02:00.000-08:00

there she was laying in wait for me. a damn ambush. she had prepared her trap and her next victim was sure to fall for it. she has been doing this for years, she is the master of this game. her players are always unaware of her sinister plot; they mind their own business but somehow she catches them. she reels them and and they pay, they always pay. she breaks their hearts on purpose; scolding them for momentary indiscretions.

it was morning and the sunlight was blinding me. i was barely awake and there was no avoiding the inevitable. i was less than a block from my apartment. somehow my car had already managed to find 40 miles an hour. but 40 is not allowed here, the state says you can only go 25. it was too late; there she was behind the bushes. damn her!

what the hell? aren't there crack-whores and wife-beaters you should be arresting? i am just an innocent tax payer, late as usual. why must you simultaneously extend and punish my tardiness? this is not my fault, it is juan valdez's fault. he is my alertness, my savior; but he was absent today. he took the day off and she knew it. she knew in my under-caffeinated state i could do nothing. she knew that tiredness makes my limbs heavy. i could not go any slower, i could not raise my burdensome foot. damn you juan valdez! where were you when i needed you? you let her win again.

what a punch in the crotch, what perfectly ill-timed way to start a thursday.

ghosts

2005-03-29T19:07:00.000-08:00

it isn't as it seems. but then again what really is? he has been here for hours, pouring over the papers on his desk. he rarely looks up from the task at hand, but when he does, it is with a stare so hollow it almost sucks you in. he is the model employee, the envy of his coworkers and the delight of the boss. yet when the boss praises him, it garners only a forced smile on his aging face. everyone wants to be him, they wish their actions drew the same attention from the boss. however, it was as if he did not want to be that which everyone else was striving for.

he is always the first one here and the last to leave. the naive would say, "he is such a hard worker; he is so successful, if only i were him." but we know better. yes, he is running, running from the loneliness that awaits him at home. oh she is there, but it matters not. her presence only accentuates the emptiness it once filled. gone is the companionship, the soul-oneness, the laughter of lovers. sadly their love has been reduced to a trivial routine of obligatory exchanges.

as he sits watching the news and eating a dinner cooled by his usual tardiness, she begins to think. a million questions flood her mind. what happened to the depth, the butterflies, the infatuation? was it only that? infatution. was she fooled by an illusion of love? she knew not, that in his head, he was askng the same questions. yet the voiceless questions would never be said aloud. the thing they both want most, they are both too proud to seek.

so there he sits, pouring over his work while she seeks solace in her friends. yet there is no escape. the pleasure of his greatest success, the empathy of a million of her friends is no consolation. to them, love is a ghost, a vivid reminder of the bliss they once shared. was it really better to have loved and lost love than to have never loved at all? the ghosts beg to differ. to have never felt the bliss they once shared would have been better than to have it mock their current sadness. when did this occur? when did love become a shadow?

sorry for the downer.

tragic

2005-03-28T13:57:00.000-08:00

i guess i missed the memo. the one that said no one was going to be working today. my office is virtually empty, which means i am happy. monday is usually the dumbest day of the week. not because it is monday and monday sucks. no! on monday everyone here seems to be extra stupid. the most shockingly ignorant questions come on mondays. i am bracing for a double dose on tuesday.

instead of being greeted by the typical dumb questions of monday, i was greeted by elaborate excuses. excuses are great, i use them all the time, but come on. everyone who works under me left me a voicemail informing me that they would be unable to make it in today. none of them were sick. instead, my co-workers have been struck with calamity. two of them had deaths in the family, another dropped his transmission on the way to work, and another has a leak in his roof. oh, and the youngest of my employees had his wisdom teeth pulled this morning. not to be out done by the previous voicemails the last one had to be the kicker. and a kicker it was..."hi sam. i can't make it in today, my cat drowned and when i was digging the grave i slipped and dislocated my hip and now i am in the hospital."

now, i am not trying to make light of the tragedy that seems to have found its way into my office. granted, mondays do suck but damn. all of this in one day? i try to approach things logically and if i got two messages like this today it would have been hard to believe. but six! holy hell. i am now bracing for catastrophe. if you hear from me no more, it is because i was simultaneously struck by lightning and a meteorite while changing lanes into a gasoline truck. if you read of an horrific seattle explosion, that was me.

now this is where my inherent selfishness shows its ugly head. this sucks! i love sleep and keep a mental black book of reasons to call in late. flat tires, power outs, no gas, doctor's appointment; you name it. i use them all. unfortunately for me, six alternate excuses mean i have to be on time for at least two weeks. my trivial excuses have been trumped by the outlandish. two dead relatives, a leaky roof, a ruined transmission, no wisdom teeth, a dead cat and a grave-digger's accident. man! i got nothing.

tonite

2005-03-26T20:51:00.000-08:00

so here i am back at it again. i really have nothing to say but i thought if i start typing i might be surprised. sometimes i think about all the things that are going on in the world right now. while i sit alone in my apartment, missing my better half and drinking away the loneliness, a million things are going on. across the hall, someone is fighting, screaming at the one they love because in this instant, love has turned to hate. it seems that all that is currently taking place somehow brings balance to this world.

while the screaming takes place, a new relationship is formed. the one she has dreamed of for so long, in this instant, he becomes hers. she knows not how to handle this, he is real, he is smiling at her and she knows that he too, wants her. she is overwhelmed with the excitement of this, he is hers and she knows it. yet the bliss of this very moment, the moment that finds me alone with my laptop, has blinded her from the realization that at some point her love will become hate. in an instant, perhaps next week, next month, or even next year she will be the one across the hall, the anonymous screamer. she will be sick of his selfishness and this new love will suddenly become a new hate. yet as this takes place, as her love disappears, somewhere, somehow, someone else will be what she is now, right now. someone else will be falling in love at the moment she is falling out. thus, balance...are we nothing but an equation?

while they make love, you hate love. as he finds satisfaction, you find disillusion. is my loneliness the thing that offsets your contentment? the contentment in the new friend you have found. did someone die the instant i was born? is it true; is there really an equal and opposite reaction for every action? if so, can i, in my benevolence become your happiness? can i seek sadness, can i seek pain and anger so that you will be happy? or does being aware of this theory cancel it out? if i seek to be someone's balance does it negate my actions?

what the hell was that? i had nothing on my mind and that is what came out. sorry for the randomness, perhaps it was to offset your moment of coherence. dammit bran, there is that hyper-ramble.

simple pleasures

2005-03-23T11:50:00.000-08:00

my boss took me out for breakfast; steak, eggs, and beer. simple pleasures, and now today is perfect. he bought my loyalty with a morning buzz. brilliant! obviously i am easy please. wine and dine me and your wish is my command. (too many cliches for one sentence.) the only thing that sucks about drinking this early is that 5:00 is so far away. now i will sit and happily dream of my next drink all day. (oh no he is an alcoholic.)

things that are overrated:

punctuality...i will be there when i feel like it.
sunshine...i am inside so who cares if it is nice out.
coherence...just say whatever comes to mind, it makes for more interesting conversation.
sobriety...enough said.
flattery...it is razor thin and those that fall for it are too dumb to waste your time on.
intuition...you only think you know, but usually it is wrong.
health food...it taste like shit and i am still hungry.
time...it either goes too fast or too slow.
sobriety...oh, wait, i already got that, it must be really overrated.
hate...i tend to find it boring and time consuming...try indifference.
capitalization...you too can save thousands of keystrokes by not pushing shift.
anonymous comments...what are so afraid of?
planning...no more frustrated plans and life is more interesting when it just happens.
stress...who the hell cares?

how is this for a title?

2005-03-22T11:49:00.000-08:00

we are back to classic rock here in corporate hell. the cat's in the cradle has been playing for...damn it feels like since i got here. how long can you make a terrible song? harry chapin was brilliant though. he made a number one hit out of a song that tells everyone that they are terrible parents. people everywhere listen to it and say, "damn i am the worst parent ever, i love this song."

i got dressed in a hurry this morning (as usual) and i made it out the door without thinking about my bold fashion statement. black suit, white shirt, black tie; i look like a mormon. would you like to read a better bible? it changed my life. i am rushing out to get my elder name tag right now. maybe more of my clients will want to do business with me if i look like a good honest mormon fellow. why do mormon temples never have windows on them?

don't worry, i am fine...

2005-03-21T14:57:00.000-08:00

i was going to be a rock star but i never learned to play the guitar. i was going to be famous but i settled for obscurity. i was going to make a difference but the only thing i've changed is myself. i traded ambition for comfort, desire for complacency. when did this happen? it never occurred to me that my dreams were stupid and unattainable. things just passed me by. somehow, i woke up indifferently late for my life.

i, the non-conformist, fit the mold perfectly. suits and ties are my uniform. i am the masses, repetition and simple existence are my lot. i want off this plateau. what made me settle? is apathy inescapable?

i am not happy or sad, not angered or pleased. i am overwhelmed by a hollow numbness. an inability to feel. meaningless laughter seems to echo in the emptiness left by ambition.

i am going to stop now, sorry for the funk i am in. maybe i will have some sunshine for you all next time.

finally...

2005-03-21T13:06:00.000-08:00

isolation, no contact with the outside world. my window to sanity is gone, no faceless audience, no witty banter, no pseudo-friends, only fog. monday has come with its usual abruptness, and there is no escaping its sinister grip. the residual haze of a nyquil laced weekend has yet to wear off. a cold shower and overwhelming sunlight have failed to lift this unwelcome stupor. damn you sickness, damn you monday, and damn this fickle wireless connection.
why is it that I find comfort in the thoughts of strangers? what does this imaginary world have that I cannot find in the trivial exchanges of my co-workers? is it brilliance? is it meaning, humor, or mutual disillusionment? perhaps it is just the mystery. perplexing

cuz i was bored

2005-03-20T19:03:00.000-08:00

Bourbon
Congratulations! You're 104 proof, with specific scores in beer (80) , wine (100), and liquor (52).

Screw all that namby-pamby chick stuff, you're going straight for the bottle and a shot glass! It'll take more than a few shots of Wild Turkey or 99 Bananas before you start seeing pink elephants. You know how to handle your alcohol, and yourself at parties.

to all the fans of march madness...

2005-03-19T16:43:00.000-08:00

can you get taste loss from a foosball table?

tea and sympathy

2005-03-18T13:00:00.000-08:00

the title has nothing to do with the post other than the fact that i am drinking tea while i type. i think i am getting sick, so i am hoping the tea reverses this. being sick sucks. maybe it was the green beer, but i doubt it. how come i always decide i should take better care of my body when it is already getting sick? probably because i am stupid. damn, this is shaping up to be a short post. have a good weekend everyone. perhaps i will be more coherent soon.

self

2005-03-17T12:17:00.000-08:00

happy st. paddy's day. green beer and irish cheer to everyone. i was crossing the street today to work and 2 cars sped up and honked at me. they were not even close to me they just honked because they hated me...good story eh?

i used to have a friend, actually i will call her an acquaintance because i kind of hated her, who would always interrupt people to tell her own stories..."that reminds me of me," she would say. as if this wasn't bad enough, the stories would just end. it would feel like the middle of the story, but it was the end. and then? and then that is the end. just like the story above. it was so weird, like a joke with no punch line. now this post is becoming exactly what it is describing, a pointless post with no kicker.

damn blogger

2005-03-16T13:06:00.000-08:00

i just wrote an amazingly brilliant post and blogger ate it. dammit. now my mind is blank, all i had to say was poured out into nothingness. oh well, whatever, nevermind.

sorry for the word vomit. i will probably edit this post soon so it doesn't end up getting me in trouble.

damn it feels good to be a gangsta

2005-03-16T12:47:00.001-08:00

holy hell! my boss changed the station we usually listen to at work. now instead of classic rock we are listening rap. jigga what? i am kind of a music snob and this shit is driving me crazy. right now this winning station is playing "old school rap" for lunch. ahhh! that is all i can say right now, i can't think. i am going to kelbel's world for some shins...aaahhhh, more old rap. ha! lucky me.

here comes the rain again

2005-03-15T11:11:00.000-08:00

ah! seattle is once again seattle, the sun has gone away and a familiar grey morning has returned. why is it that every time it rains here, traffic sucks. it is a very common occurrence and yet people freeze up as if the the have never seen this water-like substance falling from the sky. its just rain, it happens all the time. i am all for caution, but get off the freeway and take a surface road if you can't drive in the rain.

...segue...sometimes when it rains i like to put on some old jeans and a hoody and lay on my back in the rain. it is soothing, it washes away everything and replaces even the simplest of thoughts with a gentle pitter patter. it replaces the elusive tears that, try as the may, cannot find my face. tears from the sky. am i depressed? no! laughter with no antonym is meaningless.

i probably should not post this. i have just painted a strange picture of myself. but hey, this is me.

random thought

2005-03-14T11:43:00.000-08:00

if i was gay would i be attracted to myself? or is it like one of those it is not possible to tickle yourself things? (you can stop with the tickling, it won't work.) now, back to the question. i am not talking about looking in the mirror and saying, "damn, i am a good looking guy." i am referring to full on attraction. could i want myself? would i make myself nervous when i walked into the room? would the sight of me make my hands sweat and my mind race with all the things i want to do to me? would i be my soul (solo) mate?

if this is the case do you think that after the novelty stage of my relationship wore off, i would fight with myself? perhaps i would get pissed at me for not calling me, or not making the bed, or not listening to what i was really saying? who would be right in a fight, me or me?

maybe it is not possible to have a long term romantic relationship with yourself. perhaps nobody can truly love themself in a butterflies sort of way. maybe they could. who knows?

okay, i don't know where the hell that came from. i am dead sober. something to ponder though.

a post

2005-03-14T10:37:00.000-08:00

my brothers came to seattle this weekend. they are on spring break and are probably sleeping right now. i, on the other hand, am working. damn! as much as college sucked, it was a hell of a lot more fun than this. i want a spring break, i want summers and government holidays off. oh well.

another sunny monday. what the hell is going on. it was sunny all weekend and once again today. it should be raining, it should have been raining for weeks. hmmm. i want to rip off my clothes and run naked to the beach. errrr? maybe just go for a walk anything to get out of the office. ok....the weekend is wearing off and when it does i will have more to say.

2005-03-11T14:20:00.000-08:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

blogger blows

2005-03-10T12:59:00.000-08:00

blogger is being stupid toady. since i can't post comments on anyone's blog i guess i will put up more content. i guess since my blog title is plagiarised i will give credit to the brilliance i have passed off as my own. it comes from a death cab for cutie (my favorite band) song. here ya go friends.

405 (ben gibbard)
i took the 405 and drove a stake down into
your center, and stated that it's never ever
been better than this. i hung my favorite
shirt on the floorboard, wrinkled up from
pulling pushing and tasting, tasting.

you keep twisting the truth, that keeps me
thrown askew.

misguided by the 405 'cause it lead me to an
alcoholic summer. i missed the exit to your
parents' house hours ago. red wine and the
cigarettes: hide you bad habits underneath
the patio, patio, patio, patio.

you keep twisting the truth, that keeps me thrown askew.
you keep twisting the truth, that keeps me thrown askew.

so how is that for a lazy post?

insert title here

2005-03-10T11:15:00.000-08:00

damn, it looks like blogger is possessed again today...i saw a bentley today with a jesus fish on the back of it. i think i am going to go buy a jesus fish for my honda; maybe it will turn into a bentley. that would be sweet...jesus built my hotrod. .!..

i used to have long hair, not super-long, just to the bottom of my cheekbones. then i cut it because i had to get a job. but i liked my long hair, it made me look like a surfer. now i am letting it get long again but it sucks. it is in the "in between" stage and it is a big pain in the ass. everyday i want to cut it all off but i don't really know why i disclosed any of this, i guess it is on my mind today. .!..

my boss just took me out for an early lunch. we had steak and eggs and hefeweizen. yum!! now i am buzzed and satiated and i am getting tired. its only 11:30 and i feel like taking a nap. i guess the beer is contributing to my obvious lack of coherence here. that is okay though i like it when my paragraphs don't go together. so once again, i am allowing my paragraphs to give each other the finger. .!..

happy humpday

2005-03-09T10:44:00.000-08:00

hey all...looks like i don't have much to say yet.

thanks

2005-03-08T11:07:00.000-08:00

ok, since you never know where the stuff you put up on the web ends up i have decided to take down my previous post. thank you all for your advice, we'll see where this ends up (no where good).

my internet connection was down this morning, dammit! my only link to sanity was gone and it was almost too much to take. to make things worse there is no coffee here anymore. some dumbass left the coffee pot on all nite and it boiled over. now, we don't get a coffee pot. to you, this probably means nothing, but it is actually very serious. drinking coffee has always been my savior. no, i don't get alertness or razor sharp focus from imbibing copious amounts of scalding caffeine, coffee does more for me....

every time somebody comes to me with a dumb look on their face, i reach for my java. as they launch into a question or statement that has stupid written all over it, i lift my oversized mug to my mouth and slowly sip. hidden behind my mug is unmistakable contempt. sometimes it is a smirk, sometimes a scowl, and sometimes it is desperation, a sudden desire for suicide. this is never seen by the person speaking to me. as warm coffee rolls down my throat i think, "damn, that is good." yes, it is the warm goodness of coffee that washes away the disdain from my face. by the time i set my mug down and return the obligatory eye-contact a soft smile has found its way to my face. and then, overwhelmed by the liquid gold my body is still enjoying, i reply in a voice so gentle it shocks me as it reaches my ears.

my long time solace is gone. i do have the internet but no more ploys to hide my true self. i think a mask might be too much. i am frantically trying to come up with something. however the blanks i keep drawing seem to hint that maybe the coffe did help my mind too....i am out the door to starbucks right now. do you want anything?

ouch

2005-03-07T10:31:00.000-08:00

i just burned my entire mouth with my starbucks. it is a good thing though, now i am not so worried about how short my weekend was and how long this week is going to be. i am also going to save a fortune on beer this week because i won't be able to taste if it is cheap beer. maybe i should do this more often.

i am also glad that the weather sucks this morning. it makes it easier to hate monday. usually the weather always sucks in seattle at this time of year. i guess the world must be ending because it has only rained 4 days since january and l.a. has practically drowned. well that is all for now...more to come soon.

weekend rerun

2005-03-05T10:11:00.000-08:00

i have been blog surfing and now i feel like i should post something. however, i can't really think of anything charming to say. worry not dear reader, i have a solution. its like recycling. i have decided to reuse an old post because....hmmm, well i figured most of you haven't seen it and i thought you might enjoy it. i apologize if you have already read this or if this seems self-serving (i guess it is, ha.) hopefully my brain will be back later. here ya go -->

so apparently i am ethnocentric, at least that's what my anthropology teacher says. i couldn't help but laugh as she babbled on about the trappings of my mindset. i am definitely not racist or bigoted, yet the fact that i think my culture is in some way superior to the culture of some less developed country makes me a moron. i now know it is wrong of me to think that our advancements are superior to the stone axes and hieroglyphics of our more isolated counterparts.

isn't college amazing, my mind is being expanded to be able to comprehend these seemingly counterintuitive theories. thanks to my higher education i can now throw my laptop out the window, and run naked to the forest in search of my next meal which i will kill with my newly formed spear. i had no clue how wrong i have been for so long. i can't wait to be liberated from my narrow minded view of life and make giant leaps backwards in human evolution.

i think the problem here is that the anthropology department at this fine institution has become anthocentric. they have formed their unique views and now deem the rest of us, who happen to think about things with slight hints of logic, inferior. they have become the superior specimens in our society and try to inform the rest of us how much better their thinking is while simultaneously looking down on us. here in lies a glaring contradiction, which means they are teaching me a bunch of crap. you can not teach it as a better way of thinking without holding some centric view of your own. i love all culture but i happen to value things like air conditioning more than say, oh i dunno, dying of heat stroke in the sahara, all the while sticking to my non-ethnocentric views. whatever, kudos to college.

thanks for tuning in. red wine and cigarettes will return to its regularly scheduled fresh posts very soon.

drowning would have been better...

2005-03-03T10:27:00.000-08:00

i have this friend who is trying to start his "own company." he has been begging me to come and hear some guy talk about how i too can be independently wealthy. well, that is the first bad sign right there but i have made up excuses to pass on too many of his invites. so, being the pushover that i am, i finally obliged him. dammit!!! if only i had been drunk...or high or dead. i was supposed to meet him after work and he was going to show me how to get to where we were going.

we met up and he led the way to b.f.e. if i would have known it was a 40 minute drive from civilization i would have bought a hunting rifle or something. the whole way i was scared to death a bear was going to leap from the woods and maul my poor, innocent honda. upon arrival, he informed me this was a "special" nite because we were at a "very nice" house and there was an important guest speaker. (shit, this just keeps getting worse.)

we entered the house and it was buzzing with activity; a true den of suckers. about ten minutes later a doe-eyed, leggy brunette introduced herself to us and asked if we would like a tour. we followed like sheep to the slaughter. it turns out it wasn't her house she was just on tour duty. w.t.f. since when do houses have tour guides. she went on and on about every room and the amazing owner of the place. it was a decent house but these people were eating it up as if they have never been in anything larger than a double wide. (another bad sign.)

our tour guide seemed to be extremely fond of the word "slash." this is the kitchen "slash" dining room. this is the theatre "slash" hangout room. this is the workout "slash" music room. this is the downstairs "slash"... i wanted to scream, "this our tour guide 'slash' daehkcuf."

we finally made our way from the bedroom "slash" baby making area into the living room "slash" place that had some couches and awaited the mystery guest speaker. it turns out this guy used to be an mtv host and calvin klien model. it must have been a long time ago because he had one of those made for radio faces. just to prove it he showed us a picture of him in his underwear. (as if there weren't enough bad signs.) he looked vastly different and i became afraid...very afraid.

i was sitting on the hearth of the fireplace (big mistake.) i prayed to everything holy that my ass would suddenly become fat. it hurt soooo bad. mr. model could care less, he spoke for two hours about nothing more than a glorified amway. he related stories about all these famous people he knew and how successful he used to be. apparently he was not truly happy until he discovered this amazing money-making scheme. he went on and on trying to get us all to accept this company as our personal lord and savior.

my head was spinning, i had to do something. if only i could break my leg, my ass would feel better and i could escape to the hospital...to freedom. sadly, as hard as i tried, it wouldn't break and i was forced to endure the cruel and unusual punishment to my ass and my mind. i almost caved, i wanted to jump to my feet and beg his company to come into my heart so i could get the hell out of there. but, i made it, the talking was over and i slowly stood up, knowing that any rapid movement would unleash a million pins and needles into my non-existent posterior. after some obligatory small talk and academy award-winning fake interest, i slipped into the night and sped off. what a waste, if only i had spent the evening reading the dictionary and waxing my entire body.

damn, that was kind of long and to you, probably pointless but i appreciate your patience. i just had to get it all out to keep me from killing someone today. if anyone ever invites you to a dubious function, they hate you...get away, never speak to them again. they seek your soul.

unexplained chipper-ness

2005-03-02T11:19:00.000-08:00

my room-mate is a much better person than me. we both had to work at the same time today but our mornings were vastly different. she, being the better one, got up 2 hours before she needed to leave. i could hear her preparing for the day, she watched some morning news while she ate breakfast and chatted on the phone. then she showered and did her hair. finally, she applied her face from the collection of bottles that live in her makeup kit. all of this was done with an incessant humming that was more chipper than a thousand early-spring robins. i subconsciously took note of this as i tried to soak up every second of sleep i could. i have decided she must do speed, how else could she possibly have that much energy in the morning?

i, on the other hand, slept until 15 minutes before i needed to leave. i love sleep, it is amazing, i won't give up a minute of it in the morning if i don't have to. so at 14 minute until my departure i clumsily made my way into the shower secretly hoping to god the world would end so i could go back to bed. with 9 minutes left i shaved, at the 6 minute mark, i "did" my hair and at 3 minutes i randomly threw on some clothes and made for the front door.

"have a good day at work," chimed my roommate as i stumbled out into the blinding light of day.

"you too," i mubled.

at the red lights and slow spots on the freeway i managed to tie my shoes and button up my shirt. i then tied my tie, while sitting and driving. this, mind you, is an amazing skill, i am thinking about adding it to my resume. and ten minutes later i walked in the front door of my work.

"man you look tired," said the receptionist.

"wow aren't you observant," i thought.

"oh, it looks like your shoe is untied," she said.

"dammit!! i guess there weren't enough red lights today," i muttered to the puzzled face of the receptionist.

moral of the story...when i get home i am going to ask my roommate to share her drugs tomorrow.

overtly descriptive

2005-03-01T11:01:00.000-08:00

my co-worker just walked by with....get ready...a diet cherry vanilla dr. pepper. she looked at me smugly as she casually imbibed her beverage. i knew she was secretly gloating in the superiority of her soda. i could see her giving me the finger in her mind. "ha," she was thinking to herself, "my beverage has three adjectives and a damn p.h.d. what does your drink have?"

"damn" i thought "my pepsi has not one descriptive modifier, she is kicking my ass in this game of beverage grammar" i wanted to pull out a sharpie and write bigger and better words on my drink. that's it! now i can drink mildly refreshing, wickedly exiting, sugar-loaded ice cold pepsi cola.

"ha, take that." i thought smiling inside, "wipe that smug look off your face. my soda tastes better now because i have described it better than anyone could ever describe yours." i just one-upped her in this childish game that existed only in my own mind. i am sure that she was completely unaware that by drinking such an adjective laden beverage she had gone to war with me and lost. yes! she lost very badly. i love these head games because in my mind i always win. and now i am flirting with geekland again, having fake battles in my mind and winning...always winning.

anonymous comment

2005-02-28T17:48:00.000-08:00

in response to one of my previous posts anonymous said...

"98% of the general population is stupid...you think you are part of the 2% that isn't? Has it occurred to you that apparently you were stupid enough to fit your bosses hiring criteria too?"

thanks for the comment nameless reader. first of all...i am well aware of the fact that i fit the shitty hiring criteria. i was stupid enough to take a job that has me managing morons. so, i obviously don't put myself in the 2%. i am stupid enough to call myself stupid...errr wait, maybe that makes me smart. confusing!

you say 98% of the population is stupid eh? (has it occurred to you that 95% of statistics are wrong? ha!!) that is kind of scary; we are all screwed, soon the 98% will have sex with the remaining 2% making the entire population stupid. unless smart people like you create your own little brilliant colony. then you can make smart inbred babies who will rule over the rest of us. the whole world is getting dumber and soon the only smart people will be mutants because they are the offspring of you and your genius relatives. that must be why you are shrouding yourself in anonymity, because you are making babies with your relatives. procreate, genius; save us all from our inherent stupidity. three armed babies are always better than ones with no i.q.

i am such a follower...

2005-02-28T14:42:00.000-08:00

so, i caved. i am following suit (dammit i am such a sheep.) if you wanna play, just follow the rules below.

here are the rules for this Blog-a-thon. i'll offer to interview the next three people to respond to this post that will follow these rules:
1. leave me (sam) a comment saying -interview me.
2. i will respond by asking you five questions here on red wine and cigarettes. they will be different questions than the ones above.
3. you will update your blog/site with the answers to the questions.
4. you will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. when others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

and my answers to martinilove's questions.

1. If you were to become the president of this great country, what would you REALLY do first?

if i were president, the first thing i would do after i traveled the world on the taxpayer's dime is legalize marijuana. not because i smoke it (not in years) but because it is stupid to make it illegal. i could go on for pages about this but i won't elaborate. elect me and burn one down.

2. Do you have a memory from when you were younger that you believe you made up and it never really happened?

ha! too many, it is hard to pick just one. i once got a trophy for some stupid achievement. the problem is i am 95% positive that i never actually accomplished said achievement. but, since i swore up and down that i did, i think there is a chance i may have actually earned the trophy.

3. Who is the one person that means the most to you?

hmmm. probably my dad. cheesy, yes! what can i say, he is an inspiration. and thanks to him i exist.

4. If you believe in past lives who or what were you? If you don't why don't you believe?

i like to think i was a bra. who knows, maybe i was a bottle of amazing wine. actually i was probably a box of cheap wine. i honestly don't know what i think of past lives. who really knows about the gap that exists before and after life.

5. What color of socks do you have on?

white, always white (even though i have a black suit on; tacky, i know)

chaos in blogland

2005-02-28T13:06:00.000-08:00

dammit. the inherent sobriety that is monday is manifesting itself in an insatiable thirst and inability to focus...what was i saying? my weekend was over before it began and now here i am back at work. damn. i have so much to do but my motivation for actual work seems to be rather elusive. ha, isn't that a surprise?

so craziness is happening in blogland today. these interviews are showing up in the places i frequent. it sounds intriguing. it is funny how fast this stuff takes off. i saw it once this weekend and now there is no escaping the probing questions. well i guess there is because i am avoiding them. someone might find out that i am boring...oh, damn now everyone knows. ignore that, i am actually fascinating. ok, that was a pointless post, i gotta work for a bit....more to come later.

beer (and golf)

2005-02-26T11:21:00.000-08:00

since i haven't been golfing since high school and i really like beer; i met up with my friends to drink and play golf, respectively. damn i really suck at golfing, but hey, i was really there to have a legitimate reason to start drinking before noon. i think i will start golfing more (so i can drink genius.)

this is what i don't get, why the hell do golfers take themselves so damn seriously. it is hardly even a sport, you just try and hit a little ball with a long stick. and then you drive to where you hit the ball and hit it with a different stick. now, i realize that any sport can be boiled down to ridiculous explanations, but golf is different. you don't even break a sweat. yes, it is fun, but no, you don't have to pretend like it is some gruelling event.

when i walked out onto the course with my (rental) clubs, there were about 20 guys stretching oddly and warming up. i couldn't help but thinking, "did i come to the wrong place, is this the boston marathon, or are we golfing?" seriously guys, are you going to sprint after your ball when you hit it? no, you are just going to drink beer all day. i guess i am not old enough yet to feel the need to warm up for a day of drinking. and what is with the vests and the one gloved micheal jackson look? does a $50 glove really help you hit farther? for $50 don't you think you should at least get a pair. maybe everyone acts as if this is a very taxing event and looks the part to help camouflage their alcoholism. hmmm, i guess i may never understand these things. golf is serious, i am just uneducated. oh, well.

geek'd

2005-02-24T15:46:00.000-08:00

i have never thought of myself as a geek. any of my friends would be quick to agree that i am anything but that. i realize that by making this claim, all my friends will now chime in and say, "sam, you are the biggest geek we know." by doing this, they are only advertising their own geeky-ness. (is that even a word?) and now by saying this, they won't attest to my inner geek. actually, they may, either way, i predicted what they will do. they will now say that i am or am not a geek. mark my words, this is what they will do.

sorry for the digression; i will start over and actually get to the point i was going to (which i have no idea what that may be) ....so, i have never thought of myself as a geek. i have a very healthy social life, a keen since of fashion (don't dispute this too bastards) and an unrivalled sense of humor (yes, my sarcasm is often responsible for needless trouble.) however, i am beginning to think i am flirting with what some may call geeky-ness. no, i don't spend countless hours glued to a ps2, i have never played dungeons and dragons, i have never once advertised my computer's processor speed like i am in a cock measuring contest, and no, i have not attended a lan-party. (wow, that was a borderline run-on sentence.) i do however, love electronic devices, (use your imagination folks) i spend too much time in the fictitious world of blogland, and today i did diddle with html.

what does this make me? have i fallen from my delusional coolness and become stuck in geekland? dammit, i think i have. (oh, and what the hell is up with all this parenthetical speak, i think that falls in the geek column too.) so what now; how do i escape my new-found geek-hood? (which includes new, less interesting compound words.) can i ever reattain my simulated coolness? suggestions?

sorry for the excessive use of bracketed thoughts in this post...ok i'm done. (except for one thing; after reading this, i feel like it sounds like a teenage girl wrote it. do geeks write like teenage girls?)

cuz everyone else is jumping off a cliff

2005-02-24T12:43:00.000-08:00

so, (i think i start too many sentences with "so") thanks to the latest happenings in brandyland; i have added some links to some of my favorite blogs. if your blog is not there, i apologize, i will put it there soon. enjoy these other places; though everyone who climbs into my head has probably been to most of these places. okay, i am going to try and get something done now...more to come soon.

why isn't "blog" in blogger's spellcheck dictionary? neither is "blogger" or "spellcheck." shouldn't they substantiate their own existence?

hard at work

2005-02-23T11:21:00.000-08:00

for some unexplained reason it has been sunny here in seattle for two weeks straight. working on days like this saps what little motivation i usually have. there seems to be an inverse relationship between the brightness of the sun and my desire to work. so in the spirit of shirking responsibility on this the sunniest of humpdays, i have composed a list of ways to look busy at work without actually working.

1. blog, this makes it look like you are getting something useful done on your computer (i guess this is actually useful to somone.)

2. pick up the phone at random intervals and pretend to call somone.

3. actually call someone and just b.s. with them.

4. b.s. with someone you manage and if the boss walks by throw in important work related buzz words.

5. if your boss needs you say, "ok, give me a couple minutes, i just gotta finish this up first." (obviously you are actually doing nothing.)

6. get up from your desk and walk to another part of the office resolutely, like you really have to get to where your going.

7. when you walk back pretend to be on your cell phone with a client.

8. when everyone else goes to lunch tell them you can't leave yet because you are really busy; then leave 5 minutes later.

9. when you are really bored make up a fictitious appointment and then leave.

10. randomly walk around talking to yourself about what you need to do; this makes you appear slightly crazy but very dedicated.

11. stare blankly into the distance and slightly move your lips, like you are trying to remember something important.

12. always have a messy desk.

13. always appear to be very stressed.

14. make stupid lists.

give some of these a whirl, you will be amazed at how much you won't get done.

tuesday

2005-02-23T00:53:00.000-08:00

tuesday is secretly the worst day of the week. monday, we all expect to suck. it has long been regarded as terrible and everyone dreads it. thus, monday is not as bad as it is made out to be. everyone is prepared for it to suck and when it does, there is no shock. wednesday a.k.a humpday can't be bad. no matter what wednesday brings, it is called humpday...therefore, it is a great day. thursday, well it is the day before friday, just being associated with friday boosts the status of thursday exponentially. friday, saturday, sunday...there is nothing to say but, "bottoms up kids, it's the weekend."

so this leaves tuesday, it has no claim to fame and is bound to suck. the weekend is still too far away to look forward to and rehashing the goodtimes of the previous weekend makes you look stupid. tuesday is inherently boring, and the fact that it lies in the shadow of monday makes it suck worse. damn this sucks. tuesday has taken far too much of my time. this is pointless, i will stop.

2+2=5

2005-02-22T10:46:00.000-08:00

sorry for my recent absence; i spent the last part of my week reading 1984. the thing that sucks about reading a good book is that it always ends. and the book i chose ended more abruptly than most. dammit, my friends for the past few days have vanished from my life. i knew them so well and now i know them no more. there is nothing left to discover, no more twists and turns of plot, no more suspense to engage my mind. that is why i hate reading books, they suck.

besides my imaginary friends, my weekend was very entertaining. i went out a lot this weekend and my alcohol induced mockery almost got me into a fight. ha!! but i won't bore you all with intricate accounts of my witty comebacks and beer drowned conversations. though certain details are vivid in my mind, the atmosphere that holds these details is far too fuzzy to bring about context.

...till next time pseudo-friends.

some advice...

2005-02-16T00:22:00.000-08:00

why does everyone feel entitled to give me advice. if i asked for your opinion, that would be one thing; but your two cents are worth just that. sometimes i think i have a sign on my head that says "chime in with your thoughts at anytime." to which i say; "no! shut the hell up." just because you have a mouth doesn't mean you need to advertise how stupid you are....

"here's what i think, if i were you i would...

(at this point i begin to zone out and words bounce off me like chicks off a gay guy)

....so that's what you should do."

hmmm....i could respond to this pointless suggestion. but to dignify these remarks with anything more than silence would make my new advisor think the sentences they just strung together were not a waste of breath. that would be unfair to all parties involved. they would take their newly acquired advice giver license and spread stupidity to everyone they know. so sometimes ignoring idiots is all it takes. unfortunately there are also uber-idiots (sorry about the uber). these poor people don't take silence as a hint....this is actually a really stupid and pointless rant and i should delete it. but since i already typed this much and my blog is overdue for a new post i will leave it. sometimes people just annoy the hell out of me; as i am sure you are fully aware of. ok i'm bored now, laters

brilliance taunts my co-workers

2005-02-10T23:57:00.000-08:00

so i have this job in which i am a (job title). i like to keep the mystery alive, if i tell you what i do you will race to all sorts of conclusions about me (because i am a janitor at the lusty lady). anyways, my job requires me to supervise a bunch of other (job titles). and this is where things go wrong. unfortunately, i had nothing to do with the hiring of these ummmm people and so i had no way of evaluating their intellect. needless to say my team is pretty much stupid.

from the minute i walk in the door until the minute i leave i am bombarded with stupid questions. the same questions over and over. even while i am talking to clients on the damn phone. i guess the black object perched gently upon my ear into which a speak at random intervals means nothing these days. you know, there was a time when a phone really meant something to people, they respected it and left me alone. what is this god-forsaken world coming to? i think my boss, who hired these sdaehkcuf, was trying to punish me. perhaps in his hiring process he thinks anyone with a more than an ounce of independent brain power is a threat to his intellect. and so i am stuck with a group of employees that lack the ability to think on their own. it amazes me that they possess the smarts to hold themselves up in their chairs.

pregnant mothers eat for two; well i think for six. dammit its hard work. my brain is mush as is evidenced by my shoddy writing and...shit i forgot. does anyone else work with dumbasses? how do you make it through the day without wishing for armageddon?

krispy kremes

2005-02-10T01:07:00.000-08:00

i just got off the phone with my friend johnny who just finished eating a krispy kremes doughnut. "mmmmm" you're thinking. that's because you're stupid (at the risk of alienating every female reader.) krispy kremes are the most overrated pieces of fried shit in the world. whenever a new krispy kremes goes up, every fat idiot who drinks their coffee too hot and no longer has working taste buds lines up like frat boys at a dumbass convention. all for a hot greasy doughnut. "because they are so good." i just realized that i am the idiot here, telling fat people that their doughnuts suck is like telling rabbits that humping is boring.

what do you think is an uglier sight; a fat person engulfing a dozen doughnuts or a skinny person puking them up? i don't know why the hell i just thought of that but weigh in (get it stupid) on this one if you want. okay i am tired and i obviously can't think of anything intelligent to say. goodnight blogland.

fat tuesday

2005-02-08T13:35:00.000-08:00

no, this is not a post about some drunken event. it just happens to be fat tuesday and i feel i owe it to you to write something. it seems i have neglected my duty of maintaining this foggy window into my head for over a week. my apologies reader. i will try to improve. but hey, when do my intentions ever evolve into follow through? ha, there is some ammo for my detractors.

anyways, i will try. i am posting from work today, let's say i am on lunch so no heads will roll. i guess that wednesday brings lent. so if you feel the obligation, give up a bad habit for 40 days. i personally, have decided to give up work. it was a hard decision, i mean, i love it so much and it is such a part of me; it will be a hard habit to kick. don't worry, i will still come in every day, i just won't do anything. i'm not even gonna try and look busy. nope! sitting and gazing blankly at the wall will be my new protocol. i might get up and walk around from time to time, just to keep my ass from becoming permanently glued to my faux-leather chair. but other than that, just mindless workplace existence. lalalahummdydum.........

more posts to come more regularly.... i promise.

title

2005-01-31T01:51:00.000-08:00

hi, i am stupid and i have nothing interesting to talk about. its not that my life sucks or that it is in any way boring. except for the part where i am sleeping, eating, driving, working, and not working. so that is about all of it i guess. anyway, the excitment and humor that i think about sharing with you seems rather trivial by the time i sit in front of my screen. but hey, the devil is in the details.

i went to the mall yesterday with two women. then i exfoliated my face with a cheese grater. i enjoyed that more. no, actually the women i was with were very entertaining but i am rather troubled by people and malls and more specifically women and shoes. i once fell off my motorcycle wearing only shorts and to stop the bleeding i jumped into the ocean. the sharks were much more cordial than the estrogen fest at the nordstroms rack shoe section. i could go on but why?

i think i will make this paragraph be about something that has nothing to do with the previous one. since the first and second paragraphs hate each other i figured i should let this one in on the hate fest too. i like it when my paragraphs ignore each other and only speak to each other to say "you suck." why? because my high school english teacher said paragraphs should love each other and together make one big happy family. but that's what everyone does, and these succinct paragraphical orgies are getting old. i am sick of everyone's paragraphs being all nice to each other and making out and patting themselves on the back because their bond is so strong. so read between the lines and see my groups of words giving each other the finger. .!..

whatever...

2005-01-31T01:46:00.000-08:00

i am an indie snob!

How indie are you? test by ridethefader

You're just too cool for school, aren't you? You're pretty narrow minded
and opinionated with regards to music (and probably most other things
as well). But you're allowed to be, because you really are better
than everyone else. You take pride in obscurity.
You probably prefer vinyl too, you elitist bitch.

wow! by answering eight simple questions these geniuses have figured me out. way to go over there. you've done in seconds what i am still trying to do. thanks. i am going to go buy a burberry scarf because that picture reminds me that i have always wanted one. then i am going to thumb my nose at all you top 40 listening asshats. well ok, i guess i am kind of a snob.

look no further

2005-01-27T22:56:00.000-08:00

i wish i could say something to engage you. some thought or phrase to make you think, make you laugh, and ultimately keep you coming back. but, no. my mind is blank and my fingers merely tap out incoherences. will we ever escape this rut? will we walk away from this paycheck to paycheck lifestyle and become something? and what is something? is it money, sex or hedonism? or is it this? living day to day, imbibing the pleasures this life affords us. do we strive for some illusion of happiness, or find the smiles of this moment?
here i am going off the deep-end; delving into questions and leaving the readers with emptiness. i want to humor you, i want to take the questions out of your mind. but how? i have only questions for your questions? answers taunt me! closure hides in the dark corners of this picture we are painting.
so what am i saying? eat, drink, enjoy the now. don't get bogged down in the intricacies we intellects stumble upon. life is but a breath; enjoy it. and that is where the normal person would stop. a clean break, a magnificent cliché ending. yet i cannot, i cannot leave this train of thought to some trite conclusion. banalities disgust me, yet I find them fascinating. instead of leaving you with today's token platitude, i will leave you with...nothing. sorry if this is not the smile you came here for. it is not what i came for either.

you forgot to wash your hands

2005-01-26T22:57:00.000-08:00

i woke up this morning and thought about how stupid you are. your very existence is a glaring contradiction and crap in the bottom of the gene pool. i couldn't help but noticing that you forgot to wash your hands after you pissed on my life. and now you are spreading your diseased excrement all over this world. am i angry? do i hate you? no, i am indifferent, your place in my world is disappearing. you are pathetic.

hmm...so anyway, it is raining now and contrary to popular belief it sounds nothing like bacon in the frying pan.

i apologize for the lack of linear thought here. i got home from work today and brushed my teeth because my mouth tasted like stale coffee. then i had a glass of wine. toothpaste and wine make an unbelievably terrible combination. you should try it.

damn right i'm a coug...

2005-01-24T22:36:00.000-08:00

since i spent the weekend in pullman i figured i should pay some tribute. though nothing in that god-forsaken town has changed; i did have a good time. music, friends, drinks, and laughter. what more can one ask for? i guess the location doesn't matter. with the right people, any place can become the right place. so here i am laying on the cheese. lame i know. but, i really did enjoy myself and in a strange way i sort of miss the place. well, i miss the people.

here stupid, have some candy...

2005-01-20T23:12:00.000-08:00

i like giving candy to dumb people because they really like it. it makes them feel good because it is sweet and it makes me feel good because they are dumb. dumb people are nice. i guess you don't have to be dumb to be nice. when i tell people they are dumb it is because it makes me feel nice. but then i feel dumb for not being nice. i guess you don't have to be mean to be be smart. i think i will stop being mean and just try to be dumb. then maybe i will give myself some candy because i am dumb and i really like it. that will make me feel good because i gave candy to a dumb person. i don't think there is anything wrong with being dumb, that is why i am doing it. being dumb is fun. do you think it is wrong to be dumb? well you are a biggot and that is worse than being dumb. at least dumb people like candy. biggots just sit around and hate people. candy is better than hate. if you tell me i am dumb, i will tell you that you are dumb and that you should give me some candy because it is good.

genius...

2005-01-18T21:16:00.000-08:00

so this is a little late; but hey, better late than never. to make those of you who had a completely uneventful weekend jealous, let me tell you about mine. besides all the other amazing stuff i did, allow me to whet your appetite with the high point. i went to a tsunami benefit show at the showbox. it featured dave bazan of pedro the lion, james mercer of the shins, and yes, ben gibbard of death cab for cutie and the postal service. wow, what an event, thanks to my buddy greg, i did not miss this event.

anyway, after hearing the brilliance of two of the best songwriters of our day, ben gibbard took the stage. inferiority ensued. i was flabbergasted. yes, i have listened to all of his songs a thousand time. yes, i have long been impressed with his lyrical genius. and yes seeing him live was nothing new to me. yet on this night it was. i stumbled upon a new found respect for his craft.

as the words poured out of his mouth, all his thoughts were bared anew. his troubled soul became the burden of all his captive audience. soon we were all sucked into his mind, sharing in his thoughts, and finding solace in his introspection. granted belly-button gazing has become trendy of late, but as ben gibbbard worked through his set, he made every other self-absorbed singer-songwriter look foolish.

so what am i saying...hmmm. i guess there comes these times in life when somebody says something that makes you feel simultaneously stupid and inspired. in these moments one is torn...should i wallow in my stupidity or strive for brilliance? these moments come without warning; the first time you read romeo and juliet, two minutes after a charlie kaufman film, and yes, all the way through a live performance by ben gibbard.

so here i am blogging away. am i knocking on the door to my own brilliance? is my babble something that strikes anyone to the core? ha! hardly. yet i will continue. perhaps someday, i will make it to the list of the bright minds of my day. however, striving for that is most likely counter-productive. oh well what-ever nevermind.

so i should probably post something...

2005-01-17T23:08:00.000-08:00

i am trying to keep this thing up to date. so here is a post...about nothing. i guess when you sit down to write and you have nothing to say then nothing comes out. wasted time, wasted space, wasted breath, and wasted...punctuation. why am i doing this? is it for you or is it for me? am i using this medium to pour out my thoughts to a facelss reader or to employ over-used cliches to make my otherwise emotionless face form that ever elusive smirk. maybe I just want to make you laugh or think? if that is my intention it does not come from benevolence. if i am seeking your reaction i am doing nothing more than filling some emptiness in myself. noble! i know, my selfless motives are often admired by many. so why? what am i doing?

i digress, did you know that laptops can make you sterile? so here i sit with my laptop perched atop a pillow, hoping that a mere two inches of foam will somehow protect my future lineage. why, because i am that sucker that believes the propaganda they put on this here world wide web. a sucker is born every minute.

still nothing, i string together words and say, well...nothing. i hope to master this art soon, to sit, to type, to write. but why? what is it i seek in this? in anything? oh pensive author, why the narcissism? why the introspection? why...?

chain e-mails...

2005-01-13T21:03:00.000-08:00

does anyone else get chain e-mails? does anyone else hate them? well here is my response to the most recent one i got?

Whoever you are:
So, I came across one of those stupid chain mail letters in my inbox today. You know, the one's that tell some sappy story that someone with too much time on their hands has concocted. After reading through the list of innocent bystanders this e-mail has been forwarded to I came to the conclusion that you are quite possibly the originator of this waste of words. Since I have always hated these I have finally decided to retaliate.

I, unlike those poor superstitious souls who receive these things, will not contribute to the further circulation of this e-mail. But there are a few things I really want to know.Is this elaborate tale of a poor outcast eventually rising above his peers to be "a cool kid" true? Most likely not, my guess is you just make it up to help placate the rejection you have previously encountered. Don't delude yourself into believing that some event created in the fictitious caverns of your mind will make things better.

I am also dying to know why you must include threats at the bottom of your "inspirational message." People pass these stories on to their friends in order to make themselves feel better. "Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends. WHEN YOU RECEIVE THIS LETTER, YOU'RE REQUESTED TO SEND IT TO AT LEAST 10 PEOPLE, INCLUDING THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU." If you are truly friends of those you send this to, you would not need them to send it back to validate that relationship. How shallow is that? In addition, I can not remember the last time I threatened one of my close friends. You have some nerve to first require your friends to validate your friendship and then heaping guilt upon those who do not continue spreading this crap around the web like a disease.

Why must I send this on to my friends? What are you hoping to accomplish? Why do you implore me to waste their time as you have done with mine? Do you get a paycheck if enough people read this? Did you think everyone would be entertained by this work of fiction? Well you're wrong. If you were not the originator of this, I am sorry to have unloaded years of frustration on you. But please don't tell me you actually fell for this story and that it made you feel all warm inside. Haven't the abundance of these things made you smart enough to see through them? Are they honestly that good, that you feel you must continue to spread them? I don't foresee a Pulitzer for the authors of any of these stories.

Forgive me; I am just sick of this stuff in my e-mail inbox. To me it is worse than spam because it comes from someone I know so I cannot mark it as spam. And then my confidential e-mail address is floating around out there for all the world to see. Today I get sappy stories, tomorrow I will be inundated with, penis enhancements, free credit cards, cheap Viagra, discount cigarettes, and more lonely singles than I could entertain in a lifetime. Is that what you want for your friends? Is this some subtle way of telling me that my penis is in fact too small, that you want me buried in credit card debt, that I should take up smoking because you are hooking me up with cheap cigs, that my flaccidity somehow bothers you, and that my wife is not good enough, so I must re-enter the lonely world bouncing aimlessly among the millions of singles that are "just right" for me? If so, I am sorry you feel that way "friend."

Take Care,
Sam
kingsam@gmail.com

WARNING:PASS THIS ON TO TEN OF YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS. HELP THEM KEEP OTHER CHAIN MAILS FROM SPREADING BY SPREADING THIS ONE. IF YOU DON'T SEND THIS TO ANYONE IT MEANS YOU HATE THEM AND HOPE BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO THEM. BY DELETING THIS YOU WILL SET INTO MOTION THE CHAIN OF EVENTS THAT WILL BRING ABOUT THE END OF THE WORLD.

if you don't know now you know

2005-01-04T20:59:00.000-08:00

35 Facts you were perfectly happy not knowing…

1. Rubberbands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. The shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only US state whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous" - tremendous, horrendous, stupendous and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The Sesame Street characters Bert and Ernie were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life."
25. Some dragonflies have a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers was an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

so this is the new year...

2005-01-01T00:37:00.000-08:00

...and i don't feel any different. i don't really know what more to say to that. just yesterday people were scrimping and saving for y2k and now its 2005. what happened to all that time. i feel as if i am waking up from some drunken stupor and somewhere in the haze i got old (rip van winkle style). happy new year, maybe this year i will stop and enjoy every sandwich (warren zevon). how can i slow the hands of time? how can i hold on to such a slippery thing?well, enough with the misplaced rhetorical questions, nobody wants to ponder things like this. i can hear the suggestions pouring in, "get a camera, and shut up." ah, helpful...i will point, shoot, and remember always this moment, frozen in time...idiots.! what am i doing? arguing with myself. has the cynic become senile? i am just talking around in circles, posing stupid questions and responding to them with equally stupid answers. why? because i can. ha, there i go again. well, welcome to the dawn of a new year, enjoy it before it vanishes like dandelion seeds in the wind. poof...its 2006

more griping and such

2004-10-20T23:54:00.000-07:00

it is not my intent to make this a place for me to post e-mails to stupid companies. however, i thought you may enjoy another. i recently had a bad experience when i went to the olive garden, instead of making a scene, i e-mailed them about it. i spent several paragraphs explaining how poor my service was and so on. they replied with an e-mail asking for more clarity and a description of my waiter. unfortunately, i could not be an accomplice to the inevitable flogging of my server so here is my reply. enjoy!Dear Ann and Olive Garden Staff:Thank you for your timely reply and heart-felt apology; I appreciate your concern and effort to maintain your client base. I provided you with a phone number in my previous communication and you are more than welcome to contact me at that number. I am sorry if my prior correspondence lacked clarity; this is surprising to me as I felt I went to great lengths to describe to you the disagreeable circumstances of my visit. It is not often that I am told that my e-mails are shrouded in ambiguity as clarity is something I have long admired and continually strive for in all I say. Since I felt my last e-mail was clear it would be pointless for me to try and clarify what to me seemed limpid. Kind of like one of those blind leading the blind type of scenario (not that I am calling you blind I will gladly accept the title of "guilty party" and brush up my writing techniques). So please understand my desire to forgo the hassle of repeating my concerns and spare you the headache of trying to once again to decipher my inadvertently cryptic language.I realize you would like to know who my attendant was; then you can deal swiftly and harshly with this perpetrator of lousy service. However, since no law was broken; I feel morally conflicted by your pretentious request for a description of my host. I do not feel that a line-up is a necessary evil to invoke for something as trivial as poor customer relations. So, in a sense, I wish to press no charges. Granted, I suppose your response to this will be something along the lines of not being able to remedy this unfortunate event without the ability to personally address the offending party. However, I am sure my server was just having "one of those days" and I am choosing to give them the benefit of the doubt here. Also, in response to your second question, I did not consult a manager, which was, retrospectively speaking, a mistake on my part. Oh, that we could make all our decisions with the transcendent aid of hindsight. Yet, I am generally a non confrontational person, and having worked in the industry myself, I had no desire to cause any trouble. I instead have opted for this much more passive approach as I have the luxury of avoiding any form of heated, and in my opinion, demeaning, face to face discussion. And for providing this alternative venue for customers to voice their concerns I must extend to you my sincerest of compliments. I welcome your reply, and again thank you for taking the time to consider my concerns.Regards,Sam King

Dell Sux Worse

2004-06-27T23:42:00.000-07:00

To anyone in your company with half a brain:
Hello it is me again; I am now amidst day two of my unsuccessful attempt to acquire helpful service from your technical support department. After spending over five hours on the phone yesterday I have gotten no further than square one. I was transferred to over twenty different departments only to be transferred yet again. My experience last night culminated in being disconnected for the third time. Now I have become wise to the ignorance of your service department and today I came prepared to weather another five hour journey to nowhere. This time I am accompanied by a bottle of sunscreen so I can use this time to add some color to my ghostly pale complexion. I have also brought with me a bottle of wine to pass the time and help take the edge off the “please wait” voice that interrupts my otherwise silent hold time on twenty second intervals. However, judging by my experience thus far today, a single bottle was a gross underestimation of necessity.I am also eagerly awaiting your promised response to the e-mail I sent you yesterday. I guess the six to twelve hour response time was an underestimation on your part. Perhaps my feeble attempts to make light of my experience yesterday have led to widespread chaos within your organization. I am assuming Michael Dell must have called an emergency board meeting to address this issue once and for all and in doing so your e-mail writing department came to a screeching halt in order to observe a day of mourning for my service department tragedy. If this is the case, please let me know so I can stop checking my inbox, my finger is getting sore from clicking refresh.I have yet to raise my voice as I am generally a very nice person and see this as an inferior method of communication employed by those who like to mimic the heritage of their more primitive ancestors also referred to as apes. In fact I am so laid back that my, “all is well all the time,” outlook on life is often mistaken for apathy. So the fact that I have taken the effort to construct another e-mail to you only accentuates the magnitude of this problem. Never before have I been so inspired to write; maybe if we continue this unfortunate relationship I will gain from you the long needed drive to write a book called Dealing With Dell: How to Overcome Imposed Depression and Get Results From a Brick Wall; subtitled Walking on Water not Just for Jesus Anymore. I realize you will expect royalties for the use of your namesake; yet I think we could work out an arrangement where the royalties you would receive could retroactively reimburse me for my pain and suffering.Since I obviously have an infinite amount of time, allow me to offer some suggestions. I apologize if any of my suggestions are repetitive, yet it seems unnecessary repetition is something your tech department is very fond of. What is the point of having an express service code? There is nothing express about it. The only feasible reason for the term “express” in your label is to describe the expressions you evoke which are usually reserved for getting your foot run over by an eighteen wheeler. I find it exceptionally pointless to be asked to enter a code into my keypad with every erroneous transfer only to be asked for it by the technician. Once I give my service code to the technician I am then informed that I have reached the wrong department. So once more I calmly ask to be transferred to the correct department. After entering my express service code and then being asked for it once again I am told I have reached the wrong department. This has happened so many times, I fear if I must enter my code into the phone anew, my keypad will disintegrate from overuse.I have been transferred to every department in your company, save the one I actually need. My total time spent with your tech support is now approaching ten hours and I have yet to talk to a person who resides within the borders of this vast country. I have been given more 1-800 numbers than will fit in my rolodex not to mention extension numbers. I have been disconnected nine times and I am currently holding for what will most likely be the wrong department. I have done all the same troubleshooting techniques with five different technicians, received two separate case numbers and a dispatch number. Now the question is, is there actually a dispatch department? My educated guess would be NO! I have been transferred to the dispatch department four times and counting yet the funny thing is I still have not reached them. Instead I talked to someone in government accounts, desktops, home user accounts, and I am expecting the next person I talk to will work for Hewlett-Packard. Where else could you possibly transfer me to in your company?Could this be the end of my suffering? Sadly no, once again I am in the wrong department. I have also gotten the extension number of two supervisors in case I get disconnected. But, as you have probably guessed neither extension number is valid. When I enter them; I get an automated response informing I have entered the wrong number and I will be disconnected.You people at Dell really need to get it together; your service department is making a mockery of your once prestigious company. It is ironic that a technology company does not possess the adequate technology to service even the most basic of customer needs. I hope to hear from you soon and expect you will be implementing sweeping changes throughout your company. In addition to sending this e-mail to you I am also forwarding this to everyone I know. In fact the copy I am sending to everyone else, I will make into one of those annoying chain e-mails in order to reach the largest audience possible. Oh, and for the record, I got disconnected once more while completing this paragraph.Thank you for appearing to care,Sam Kingsdking@wsu.eduP.S. Please do not send me a form letter response, I find them highly offensive.

Dell Sux

2004-06-26T20:39:00.000-07:00

To my good friends at DELL:
My problem is with the grossly inefficient system you use in your service department. After an infinite series of transfers between wrong departments, several hours, and countless services code entries I have gotten absolutely nowhere. It seems my admiration and long time praise of Dell were sadly misplaced. Does anyone in your service department have any idea where they are transferring me or is my call just being haphazardly bounced around the earth like some unfortunate global super-ball? I am now experiencing jet lag due to the lengthy world travel I have participated in during this phone call. By the sounds of things I have been to India, China, Great Britain, and either Chile or Iceland, I am still having trouble deciphering the accent of my latest assistant. I am hoping that we can make into my own country before dawn. I have long been a loyal customer of Dell and have always been pleased with their products. However, it seems like Mr. Michael Dell has lost touch with the daily happenings of his company. What was once heralded as one of the most efficient companies in modern time has become a service dinosaur. The runaround I am currently experiencing makes calling the IRS hotline a walk in the park. I am tempted to trade in my Inspiron 600M for a pad and paper. How come when I have a problem with my Big-Mac the 16 year old kid behind the counter can offer a quick and timely solution; yet when dealing with your “technology” company no one working there has a clue what is going on? Granted the issue is a bit more complex, yet the McEmployee is definitely superior in customer service.As my patience wanes with the incessant wait I have begun wondering if perhaps there is a deeper purpose to my wait. Perhaps this is fate’s sadistic way of illustrating that we American’s lead a much too demanding lifestyle. Thanks to your tech support I am now basking in this much needed down time. I cannot recall the last time I was able to sit in one place for more than three consecutive hours. I think you should allocate some of your massive R&D budget to “R-ing and D-ing” your customer support system. Please wait…..please wait…..please wait…..please wait. This is ridiculous. Mind you, this is being written in hour three of my futile attempts to get my computer fixed. Maybe by the time we get to the bottom of my problem, I will have a book.First of all, what is the point of having me enter my express service code at the beginning of every single transfer only to be asked for my service code when I finally make it off hold? Doesn’t it seem logical to you that my service code would transfer along with my phone calls? With the volume of calls you get and the number of transfers your employees make you could save millions in long distance fees by eliminating this onerous step. Since you are listening I have an even better idea. Why not cut the number of transfers down to one by simply transferring me to the appropriate department for the first time. Genius!Well, I guess I better not waste any more of your time as I am sure you have a whole cue of frustrated patrons like myself waiting to talk to someone who can actually offer assistance. I suggest you make some changes to your service department before you make Mac users out of all of us.P.S.Could you please add some variety to the music and messages on hold; the repetition is killing me. Also, if you could forward this to Michael Dell, I am sure he would appreciate my correspondence. Oh NOOOOO! I just got disconnected, now I have to start this whole process over.

ethnocentric idiot

2004-06-03T15:37:00.000-07:00

so apparently i am ethnocentric, at least that's what my anthropology teacher says. i couldn't help but laugh as she babbled on about the trappings of my mindset. i am definitely not racist or bigoted, yet the fact that i think my culture is in some way superior to the culture of some less developed country makes me a moron. i now know it is wrong of me to think that our advancements are superior to the stone axes and hieroglyphics of our more isolated counterparts. isn't college amazing, my mind is being expanded to be able to comprehend these seemingly counterintuitive theories. thanks to my higher education i can now throw my laptop out the window, and run naked to the forest in search of my next meal which i will kill with my newly formed spear. i had no clue how wrong i have been for so long. i can't wait to be liberated from my narrow minded view of life and make giant leaps backwards in human evolution.i think the problem here is that the anthropology department at this fine institution has become anthocentric. they have formed their unique views and now deem the rest of us, who happen to think about things with slight hints of logic, inferior. they have become the superior specimens in our society and try to inform the rest of us how much better their thinking is while simultaneously looking down on us. here in lies a glaring contradiction, which means they are teaching me a bunch of crap. you can not teach it as a better way of thinking without holding some centric view of your own. i love all culture but i happen to value things like air conditioning more than say, oh i dunno, dying of heat stroke in the sahara, all the while sticking to my non-ethnocentric views. whatever, kudos to college.