9.15.2005

exit

it has come to my recent attention that i have a much wider audience than i ever thought. not with strangers, i mean i have the stupid stat counter and i can see you all coming in and out my doors. the thing that gets me is that i have a much wider audience among people i actually know or knew. and this concerns me. you see i come here for various reasons but mostly just for an escape. often times the craziness that is life gets so jumbled up in my head that making any sense of it is virtually impossible. some of the thoughts are trivial like, "i wonder if she knows that she is the only one that thinks she is intelligent?" or perhaps, "if i close my eyes, when i open them will the stupidity stop falling from your mouth?" but then other thoughts, though common, do not fall in the same banal category as their aforementioned counterparts. and these are the thoughts that tend to come out here. sure i have discussed my undying love for beer and the stupidity of my former co-workers. but somewhere, somehow things took a turn here.
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i seem to have opted for a different kind of post. perhaps by choice, but usually these words find their way here on their own. it is like these thoughts want to be here and thus, they are. not because of my desire to be perceived by the faceless reader as brooding or deep, but because they exist somewhere in my mind. to them, my mind as their home will not suffice. they want their own existence beyond thought and so they have chosen another invisible place, here in this digital wasteland. sure i could come here and launch into a sarcastic tirade of insults, cleverly mocking the fashion sense of the average wal-mart shopper. in fact, that could be an entire blog, which if there were a wal-mart anywhere near here i would gladly indulge you all in the travesties against clothing that seem to adorn 97% of the wal-mart shopping americans. but for what, so we can all have a laugh at sarah's $17 overly faded denim? or perhaps we could all chuckle at some witty caption below a picture highlighting the unfortunate gap between jeni's over stretched tank top and her stirrup pants.
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and you are lost, hyper-ramble has taken hold and i must now bring you back full circle. this is many times my shred of solace, my escape from the storm. and in this place, the words that seem to find their way onto our screens are not what many of you are used to. to the faceless reader, they mean nothing, they are the ramblings of a stranger and sometimes, someone, somehow relates. and i like that. if i can lend a voice to the thoughts of a stranger while simultaneously making sense of that which is often not spoken, i am happy. i am happy just making sense of this mess whether or not anyone relates.
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but to you, the ones i know, my posts seem to conjure up a host of questions. for instance, i have now spoken of the mess in my head, which a handful of you "friends" will glibly interpret as a problem. you will read, you will ponder and you will question my mental state. somtimes i lose you, as each word unfolds you derive some ludicrous interpretation. i am discussing no one in particular, and those bloggers i know first hand fall not in this category. however, if you are wondering, "is he talking about me?" the answer is emphatically, yes. if that question somehow found its way into your mind, you are in fact the very person i am speaking of who comes here, reads, silently judges, and leaves. and to you i say, "stay away." this place is my place and you are not welcome. to most, these could be the thoughts of anyone, and in my anonymity they find nothing odd. but then there is you, wondering, "what the hell is wrong with sam, has he gone off the deep end?"
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i am still the same person you always knew, but my smile often masks a host of other emotions. i speak of my down falls, my struggles, and my worries. but you never saw that. you know me as the easy going, fun loving guy who is always ready with a sarcastic comment. you always laughed but that is all you ever did; you never saw beyond the laughter. and now you are thinking, "what a conceited bastard; he thinks he is so funny and so perceptive." to which i would normally reply with some back-handed rebuttal. but i am done, i spoke of this once before, though i did not lend it the clarity i have opted for this time. and now twice, i have acknowledged your unwelcome presence, and twice i have shown you the door. if you are disturbed, worried, confused, or angry, find a better hobby. i don't need you lurking in the corners here, passing your misinformed judgments and arriving at the outrageous conclusions you so eagerly look for. move on.
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to the rest of you, i love you. thanks for stopping by and keeping me company, you are welcome any time.

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9.06.2005

introspection...

i came here to find meaning and realized that meaning is nothing more than a lofty concept. yet somehow i delude myself into believing that maybe once, if only for a moment, meaning will come. i blindly pursue depth, thinking there is such a thing. perhaps in these words lies an epiphany; perhaps in my ramblings i will find myself. yet in this futile search i am lost. somehow, i no longer recognize what i am searching for. i have become my blindness, masking myself in some unfamiliar ambiguity. what lies in the mirror matserfully disguises what lies beneath its counterpart. chaos, a disillusioned soul, an empty quest. then all at once it falls around me and the silence grows. yet silence is not peace and this place is not real. i cannot hold this new self together any easier than i can find some old more familiar self.

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