8.09.2005

interruption

atmosphere, heavy...the faint smell of a cigarette lingered in the air; adding texture to the otherwise stale smell. an acoustic guitar, somewhere in the distance, competed with lively conversation swirling all around me. laughter and alcohol did their best to cover the overwhelming poignance everyone sensed, but never acknowledged. we all hoped the loneliness we came with would not accompany us into the darkness awaiting just beyond last call. in typical fashion, i drank and talked anticipating happiness but finding only stinging laughter.
in the midst of the chaos, silence; there she was. our eyes met briefly but they spoke volumes. in me she saw the disillusion i try so hard to mask. in her, i saw hope; something better than the miscarriages past glances had afforded me. i saw the sunrise, an awakening from this private nite i accepted would never end. i looked again, secretly hoping she would do the same. oh, that fleeting rush she holds in her eyes, i had tasted it only once but the addiction was instant. my subtle glance was greeted with a knowing smile and a warmth like i had never imagined. yes, there it was again, a soft sunrise, a gentle glow, and i felt it. she chased away the numbness i had long ago accepted as permanent.
it was too much; all of these feelings all at once. i struggled to make sense of them, struggled to digest them, i tried to think but i knew not where to start. the next hour unfolded in my mind and i began to hail my courage through glass after glass. i would approach her and her smile would fill this familiar emptiness. we would talk, she would laugh and this hypnosis would relent. it would be perfect; she would animate this lifeless soul. if only i had spoken to her before she was gone. if only this was not another moment slipping through my fingers entrenching my emptiness and returning the numbness. this was me, too comfortable to care; too aloof to answer opportunity's knock.

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