i sat and watched you; trapped in your own reality, oblivious to the way things are. i tried and failed. to help you is impossible, we all tried and failure came in many shapes. you isolate yourself, not because you want to but because you know no other way. inside your mind is a world none have seen, you hide it, telling yourself no one would understand. inside your heart is emptiness, scarred by life and filled only by the constant flow of sorrow. behind your smile is nothing but fear, fear of love, fear of trust, fear of them. and they do it again, and again you bleed but again you tell me you are fine.

you cannot come out, you cannot find yourself, you can never know what you are looking for. you are blind to their blows, numb to the pain, tired of fighting what to you are shadows. and so you quit. there was no beginning and so there can be no end. you once loved with the softest, innocent trust but you would never know that, you cannot know that. gone are the tears, instead sorrow and pain bring overwhelming doubt and silent vows of vengeance. they did this to you, but to admit that would only give them the power you swore was never theirs. and again you fall; enduring defeat after defeat.

love will find you and love will leave you. you will watch it come over you and fail to recognize what wraps its arms around you. oh that you could see beyond yourself. oh that you could name your pain and leave it behind. but you won't, you will never give them power. you will stay inside yourself, trying to hide what we all see. you will bleed, smiling all the while. never can they know they have gotten to you. their power is your failure.

it was them, not you! to deny this has been your ruin and to admit this will bring ruin. a ruin to the darkness you created, a ruin to this perception that is now your reality. find your tears, feel your pain and let this place fall all around you. you have held this together long enough. let go.




go buy the new death cab album; it came out today!!!!! you won't be disappointed, i have had it on repeat all day and it gets better with every spin. go buy it now, and if you don't have any of their old albums buy them all too. ok, better post to come soon, i guess summer is over so i will try to get back to a more regular posting schedule. my thank you's (is that how you make "thank you" plural) go out to all of you who keep checking up on me in my sporadic updating schedule.




it seems lack of sleep has driven me here again. this time it is the other end of the spectrum. i came here to read, to lull my mind to some sweet oblivion. but i am still awake and so now i write. perhaps a short stint at creativity might be the proverbial straw that pushes me into the darkness i cannot find.
sometimes i think if i sit here and type, something will come out. tonite, that is not the case. instead you get a running commentary on my inability to put my mind on one subject long enough to discuss it.
i really pity people that secretly evaluate you and gloat in your shortcomings. what a miserable existence, to lurk in the darkness waiting for the next failure you can pass on to your lifeless companions. how does one's life become so mediocre that they must feed the dogs with the happenings of someone else? have enough people become wise to your ploys? have your ranks become so small that you must seek satisfaction in the missteps of those who have long since moved on? well, enjoy!!! i am glad to do my part to keep the rumor mills spinning.




i couldn't sleep this morning; i got up before 6:00 a.m. for me, that is early, i hate mornings. i have been blog hopping ever since and felt the sudden urge to post myself. however, i have absolutely nothing to say. why does every morning news show suck and why do they all do the weather report at the same time? do people really care what the weather is going to be like in the summer? it will be warm or hot, i don't need some dip5hit to stand there and tell me that three times an hour. and now, french fries are linked to breast cancer. dammit, again i don't care. granted, i love breasts and never wish any harm on any breasts, but do i need some ugly ass women to sit there and talk about french fries and breast lumps. that is the last thing i want to hear about before the coffee works its magic. change the channel you say, i did, its the weather again. ok, i am sorry, my wife was a weather anchor and then i cared about the weather, plus she was good to look at. so no, i don't hate weather anchors, just every weather anchor but her. and on that note, stop sending me concerned e-mails about my posts. have you ever heard of a metaphor or a concept. i hate to do this because i want people to take what they want from what i write, but i must assure the worried that my marriage is peachy keen. i couldn't be happier. so when you read my posts, they could have a completely different meaning than the one you got...many times, that is the point. if you can't grasp that, you are too dumb to read them and you should stop coming here. there is my word vomit for today, like i said, i am not a morning person, coherence comes to me after copious amounts of coffee. apparently so does diplomacy. is it too early to start drinking? c'mon weekend stop taunting me.




atmosphere, heavy...the faint smell of a cigarette lingered in the air; adding texture to the otherwise stale smell. an acoustic guitar, somewhere in the distance, competed with lively conversation swirling all around me. laughter and alcohol did their best to cover the overwhelming poignance everyone sensed, but never acknowledged. we all hoped the loneliness we came with would not accompany us into the darkness awaiting just beyond last call. in typical fashion, i drank and talked anticipating happiness but finding only stinging laughter.
in the midst of the chaos, silence; there she was. our eyes met briefly but they spoke volumes. in me she saw the disillusion i try so hard to mask. in her, i saw hope; something better than the miscarriages past glances had afforded me. i saw the sunrise, an awakening from this private nite i accepted would never end. i looked again, secretly hoping she would do the same. oh, that fleeting rush she holds in her eyes, i had tasted it only once but the addiction was instant. my subtle glance was greeted with a knowing smile and a warmth like i had never imagined. yes, there it was again, a soft sunrise, a gentle glow, and i felt it. she chased away the numbness i had long ago accepted as permanent.
it was too much; all of these feelings all at once. i struggled to make sense of them, struggled to digest them, i tried to think but i knew not where to start. the next hour unfolded in my mind and i began to hail my courage through glass after glass. i would approach her and her smile would fill this familiar emptiness. we would talk, she would laugh and this hypnosis would relent. it would be perfect; she would animate this lifeless soul. if only i had spoken to her before she was gone. if only this was not another moment slipping through my fingers entrenching my emptiness and returning the numbness. this was me, too comfortable to care; too aloof to answer opportunity's knock.




the following is the latest in a string of e-mails i have sent to dell. i am abandoning my usual use of all lower case letters for this post. enjoy.

To whom it may concern,
I hate to be a nag over here but here goes. I just had my laptop fixed by one of your fine technicians this morning, which I greatly appreciate. However, my speakers still sound like helpless drowning victims, a.k.a distorted. The gentleman who fixed them says he does not know what is wrong with them since I now have a new motherboard and speakers. Any thoughts? And now on to more pressing issues. Please join me in this short but pertinent digression. I have a brand new problem. After your technician put my laptop back together, the space bar stopped working. In other words, if I press it, it does not make a space. I know this may seem trivial but by no means is this some menial problem. I use my laptop everyday for my job and now it is handicapped with no consolation. Given its impairment, I feel it deserves a free parking spot but no one has obliged the plight of this ill fated laptop. So you see, the speakers, luxury, I hope one day they will sound better, but it is inconsequential at this point. If they drown, they drown. However the space bar, my God, this issue requires the attention of the world. For without it I am doomed, reduced to a bumbling idiot, trying in vain to communicate with the world through the shoddiest of syntax. Please, lend a hand, heed my cry, and rectify this most tragic impediment lest I be banished to grammar hell for my blatant disregard of spacing. Fortunately for you I am using a colleague's computer to draft this message. But, in case you think this problem deserves little attention, please read this same e-mail as it would look had I sent it from my Dell Inspiron 600m.
editor's note: i also sent them a copy of this with no spaces but when i tried to publish it here it was one long line and looked terrible on blogger. sorry!!!