6.13.2005

grey

it was saturday. the rain and the sun traded blows, each trying to establish dominance. but this battle was an afterthought, only an atmosphere with which to hold the ensuing battle. the real struggle was all mental and thus it took precedence in my troubled mind. saturday's conflict was not as cut and dry as the classic skirmishes our society has afforded us. for, in this scene the lines between good and evil, between right and wrong, between black and white were all blurred. instead there was only a murky grey. good was evil and evil was not definable.

saturday was a flash back. but this was no mental snapshot, instead i was physically thrust into an all-too-real shadow of my haunting past. a past that brings restless nights, empty days, and surprising moments of confusing anger. time and its intrinsic healing ability has rounded off the edges and numbed the acuteness. yet there is no amount of time that will ever erase these scars.

in a moment, i am undone. time and all its power mean nothing. clarity is lost and i am once again left to make black and white out of grey. somehow, your delusions transcend everyone present, yet they baffle me. will you ever see the world beyond your mind? the world in which you are wrong; the world in which the pain you inflict is visible not to me but to you?

to me, this will never make sense. to you, there was never any sense to make. in grey you see black as white and wrong as right. your pride holds your humility and your pleasure, pain. your lies are infallible, to you, they are truth.

saturday is gone and my innocence is lost. saturday is gone and your innocence is reassured. somehow, someway, you win. you brought awareness to my pain. you forced me to assign words to your delusions. you confirmed my fears; your words still hurt. i told myself you meant nothing but saturday melted my indifference leaving me in speechless horror as it became water running through my hands.

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6.09.2005

sigh

i write tonite because of you. you taunt and frustrate me to no end. why do you elude me when i need you most? it is like a game to you, you see my desire, my utter desperation and yet you stay just beyond my reach. i cannot grab you, i cannot taste you, i can only imagine your sweet, satiating oblivion. oh, how i want you, but my longing frightens you. you engage my thoughts and it is that very engagement that keeps you at arms length. i breath slowly and deeply, letting gravity have its way with my body. but my mind races. where is your numbness? where is your peace? if only tonite i were sleeping at last.

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