it's may and i have not posted. dammit, i am a slacker. i have been busy and this place has taken a bit of a back seat lately. i really haven't had anything to say...sorry.

she said it was serious, she said it was a big deal but inside i laughed. i laughed because i always laugh. to her it is always a big deal and to me it never is. the stresses of life, the uncertainty of tomorrow, the issues of the moment are intoxicating to her. to her there is nothing else, no way out, no bright future. but i am numb. she never thinks i take her seriously and truth be told, i don't take me seriously. i can't. i won't allow myself...i take nothing seriously.

and so there we are again, together in the moment but only to together in the sense of time and space. in every other sense of togetherness we have nothing, we have opposite emotions, opposite dispositions, opposite everything. she knows this; i know this and then i speak. i hardly recognize the words as they come out of my mouth and she cries again. i want to be what she needs but i can't. what happened to me? am i emotionally inept?

somewhere, somehow, i lost my way. before that undefined moment in life, i felt. sadness was sadness, happiness was happiness, and pain was real. but something changed, in a certain light i would say i became the wiser. yet in another light, inablility to feel certain things looks more like a step in the wrong direction.

coping mechanisms are all i know. i use the proverbial crutch. i feel no stress and give no issue its due time. i push away the uncomfortable and somehow whittle everything's importance down to nothing. and then i laugh...and then, she cries.



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