5.28.2005

saturday

i have turned into the blogger i hate. a good two weeks and no post. not that i have had nothing to say, it was the time to say it that interfered with publicizing my thoughts. and now, time is on my side but creativity is not. what a bitch. perhaps, the sun and its unwelcome heat has dried up my puny imagination.

it is weird being away from this little pseudo-world. intelligence, wit, charm, and entertainment lie within its bounds. and beyond this imaginary place, i find these things much more sporadic, like the now random intervals between my posts. and so today i returned to a place i love, a place that only exists electronically and yet a place that seems more real than the trivial exchanges of last nite.

oh, friday nite...the alcohol, the music, the lies, the empty quests of a thousand men. drunk and lonely, frustrated by the rebuttals of the fairer sex, they pour out into the embrace of darkness. to their homes they return only to find a nagging emptiness. a cold bed is all that awaits; it serves only as a reminder of their failed charm. but saturday is just around the corner.

she sits alone nursing her wine and he, equally lonely, offers to join her. they talk, he lies, she laughs, he smiles. the drinks go by and the conversation continues. feelings built on deception start to strengthen their grip on her inner isolation. she has vowed to never let her guard down again but vows are just that. nothing more than empty promises made to oneself in their darkest hour to somehow numb the pain with false resolution. in this moment their is no guard, no recollection of any vow, only a longing and a perceived answer. she is overcome with acceptance. together they leave; alone she awakes. and in her sobriety she makes a vow.

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5.13.2005

hi

just want to let you all know that i am still alive. i am extremely busy (in a good way) at my new job and have not had time to post. i think this will be the case for a while. no, i am not gone for good, i am still lurking in the dark corners of your blogs. i will try to post as often as i can but it will be much more sporadic in the near future. hopefully it will be more regular as things calm down here.

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5.07.2005

me

so i had to try this damn thing too. i saw amber's and being the egomaniacal person i am, i gave it a whirl.










Your #1 Match: INFP




The Idealist

You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.
Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.
It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.
But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.

You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.


Your #2 Match: ENFP




The Inspirer

You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.
You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules.
Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.
You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're qutie the storyteller!

You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.


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5.05.2005

laters

today the sun has chosen not to show its face. instead, as i look out the window all i see is a suicide grey. this day is like a poorly lit movie. the kind that is painful to watch. the whole time you sit there thinking, "someone turn on a light." nevertheless, the weather is irrelevant and has nothing to do with my mood. as far as i am concerned the weather is always the same inside. and so today i sit beneath the fluorescent bulbs and wish for darkness. i hate overhead lighting, i find it both bland and intrusive.
segue...i am quitting my job today. yup! i am out of here. in this line of work, you don't give two weeks notice when you say you are done...that's it. i start a much better job on monday and i can't wait to get the hell out of here. once the boredom is deafening, i will go through the formalities with my boss and be on my way. this is also irrelevant.
okay that is all for now, a grey day, a fluorescent day, a new day.

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5.04.2005

again

it's may and i have not posted. dammit, i am a slacker. i have been busy and this place has taken a bit of a back seat lately. i really haven't had anything to say...sorry.

she said it was serious, she said it was a big deal but inside i laughed. i laughed because i always laugh. to her it is always a big deal and to me it never is. the stresses of life, the uncertainty of tomorrow, the issues of the moment are intoxicating to her. to her there is nothing else, no way out, no bright future. but i am numb. she never thinks i take her seriously and truth be told, i don't take me seriously. i can't. i won't allow myself...i take nothing seriously.

and so there we are again, together in the moment but only to together in the sense of time and space. in every other sense of togetherness we have nothing, we have opposite emotions, opposite dispositions, opposite everything. she knows this; i know this and then i speak. i hardly recognize the words as they come out of my mouth and she cries again. i want to be what she needs but i can't. what happened to me? am i emotionally inept?

somewhere, somehow, i lost my way. before that undefined moment in life, i felt. sadness was sadness, happiness was happiness, and pain was real. but something changed, in a certain light i would say i became the wiser. yet in another light, inablility to feel certain things looks more like a step in the wrong direction.

coping mechanisms are all i know. i use the proverbial crutch. i feel no stress and give no issue its due time. i push away the uncomfortable and somehow whittle everything's importance down to nothing. and then i laugh...and then, she cries.

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