3.31.2005

screwed

there she was laying in wait for me. a damn ambush. she had prepared her trap and her next victim was sure to fall for it. she has been doing this for years, she is the master of this game. her players are always unaware of her sinister plot; they mind their own business but somehow she catches them. she reels them and and they pay, they always pay. she breaks their hearts on purpose; scolding them for momentary indiscretions.

it was morning and the sunlight was blinding me. i was barely awake and there was no avoiding the inevitable. i was less than a block from my apartment. somehow my car had already managed to find 40 miles an hour. but 40 is not allowed here, the state says you can only go 25. it was too late; there she was behind the bushes. damn her!

what the hell? aren't there crack-whores and wife-beaters you should be arresting? i am just an innocent tax payer, late as usual. why must you simultaneously extend and punish my tardiness? this is not my fault, it is juan valdez's fault. he is my alertness, my savior; but he was absent today. he took the day off and she knew it. she knew in my under-caffeinated state i could do nothing. she knew that tiredness makes my limbs heavy. i could not go any slower, i could not raise my burdensome foot. damn you juan valdez! where were you when i needed you? you let her win again.

what a punch in the crotch, what perfectly ill-timed way to start a thursday.

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3.29.2005

ghosts

it isn't as it seems. but then again what really is? he has been here for hours, pouring over the papers on his desk. he rarely looks up from the task at hand, but when he does, it is with a stare so hollow it almost sucks you in. he is the model employee, the envy of his coworkers and the delight of the boss. yet when the boss praises him, it garners only a forced smile on his aging face. everyone wants to be him, they wish their actions drew the same attention from the boss. however, it was as if he did not want to be that which everyone else was striving for.

he is always the first one here and the last to leave. the naive would say, "he is such a hard worker; he is so successful, if only i were him." but we know better. yes, he is running, running from the loneliness that awaits him at home. oh she is there, but it matters not. her presence only accentuates the emptiness it once filled. gone is the companionship, the soul-oneness, the laughter of lovers. sadly their love has been reduced to a trivial routine of obligatory exchanges.

as he sits watching the news and eating a dinner cooled by his usual tardiness, she begins to think. a million questions flood her mind. what happened to the depth, the butterflies, the infatuation? was it only that? infatution. was she fooled by an illusion of love? she knew not, that in his head, he was askng the same questions. yet the voiceless questions would never be said aloud. the thing they both want most, they are both too proud to seek.

so there he sits, pouring over his work while she seeks solace in her friends. yet there is no escape. the pleasure of his greatest success, the empathy of a million of her friends is no consolation. to them, love is a ghost, a vivid reminder of the bliss they once shared. was it really better to have loved and lost love than to have never loved at all? the ghosts beg to differ. to have never felt the bliss they once shared would have been better than to have it mock their current sadness. when did this occur? when did love become a shadow?

sorry for the downer.

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3.28.2005

tragic

i guess i missed the memo. the one that said no one was going to be working today. my office is virtually empty, which means i am happy. monday is usually the dumbest day of the week. not because it is monday and monday sucks. no! on monday everyone here seems to be extra stupid. the most shockingly ignorant questions come on mondays. i am bracing for a double dose on tuesday.

instead of being greeted by the typical dumb questions of monday, i was greeted by elaborate excuses. excuses are great, i use them all the time, but come on. everyone who works under me left me a voicemail informing me that they would be unable to make it in today. none of them were sick. instead, my co-workers have been struck with calamity. two of them had deaths in the family, another dropped his transmission on the way to work, and another has a leak in his roof. oh, and the youngest of my employees had his wisdom teeth pulled this morning. not to be out done by the previous voicemails the last one had to be the kicker. and a kicker it was..."hi sam. i can't make it in today, my cat drowned and when i was digging the grave i slipped and dislocated my hip and now i am in the hospital."

now, i am not trying to make light of the tragedy that seems to have found its way into my office. granted, mondays do suck but damn. all of this in one day? i try to approach things logically and if i got two messages like this today it would have been hard to believe. but six! holy hell. i am now bracing for catastrophe. if you hear from me no more, it is because i was simultaneously struck by lightning and a meteorite while changing lanes into a gasoline truck. if you read of an horrific seattle explosion, that was me.

now this is where my inherent selfishness shows its ugly head. this sucks! i love sleep and keep a mental black book of reasons to call in late. flat tires, power outs, no gas, doctor's appointment; you name it. i use them all. unfortunately for me, six alternate excuses mean i have to be on time for at least two weeks. my trivial excuses have been trumped by the outlandish. two dead relatives, a leaky roof, a ruined transmission, no wisdom teeth, a dead cat and a grave-digger's accident. man! i got nothing.

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3.26.2005

tonite

so here i am back at it again. i really have nothing to say but i thought if i start typing i might be surprised. sometimes i think about all the things that are going on in the world right now. while i sit alone in my apartment, missing my better half and drinking away the loneliness, a million things are going on. across the hall, someone is fighting, screaming at the one they love because in this instant, love has turned to hate. it seems that all that is currently taking place somehow brings balance to this world.

while the screaming takes place, a new relationship is formed. the one she has dreamed of for so long, in this instant, he becomes hers. she knows not how to handle this, he is real, he is smiling at her and she knows that he too, wants her. she is overwhelmed with the excitement of this, he is hers and she knows it. yet the bliss of this very moment, the moment that finds me alone with my laptop, has blinded her from the realization that at some point her love will become hate. in an instant, perhaps next week, next month, or even next year she will be the one across the hall, the anonymous screamer. she will be sick of his selfishness and this new love will suddenly become a new hate. yet as this takes place, as her love disappears, somewhere, somehow, someone else will be what she is now, right now. someone else will be falling in love at the moment she is falling out. thus, balance...are we nothing but an equation?

while they make love, you hate love. as he finds satisfaction, you find disillusion. is my loneliness the thing that offsets your contentment? the contentment in the new friend you have found. did someone die the instant i was born? is it true; is there really an equal and opposite reaction for every action? if so, can i, in my benevolence become your happiness? can i seek sadness, can i seek pain and anger so that you will be happy? or does being aware of this theory cancel it out? if i seek to be someone's balance does it negate my actions?

what the hell was that? i had nothing on my mind and that is what came out. sorry for the randomness, perhaps it was to offset your moment of coherence. dammit bran, there is that hyper-ramble.

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3.23.2005

simple pleasures

my boss took me out for breakfast; steak, eggs, and beer. simple pleasures, and now today is perfect. he bought my loyalty with a morning buzz. brilliant! obviously i am easy please. wine and dine me and your wish is my command. (too many cliches for one sentence.) the only thing that sucks about drinking this early is that 5:00 is so far away. now i will sit and happily dream of my next drink all day. (oh no he is an alcoholic.)

things that are overrated:

punctuality...i will be there when i feel like it.
sunshine...i am inside so who cares if it is nice out.
coherence...just say whatever comes to mind, it makes for more interesting conversation.
sobriety...enough said.
flattery...it is razor thin and those that fall for it are too dumb to waste your time on.
intuition...you only think you know, but usually it is wrong.
health food...it taste like shit and i am still hungry.
time...it either goes too fast or too slow.
sobriety...oh, wait, i already got that, it must be really overrated.
hate...i tend to find it boring and time consuming...try indifference.
capitalization...you too can save thousands of keystrokes by not pushing shift.
anonymous comments...what are so afraid of?
planning...no more frustrated plans and life is more interesting when it just happens.
stress...who the hell cares?

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3.22.2005

how is this for a title?

we are back to classic rock here in corporate hell. the cat's in the cradle has been playing for...damn it feels like since i got here. how long can you make a terrible song? harry chapin was brilliant though. he made a number one hit out of a song that tells everyone that they are terrible parents. people everywhere listen to it and say, "damn i am the worst parent ever, i love this song."

i got dressed in a hurry this morning (as usual) and i made it out the door without thinking about my bold fashion statement. black suit, white shirt, black tie; i look like a mormon. would you like to read a better bible? it changed my life. i am rushing out to get my elder name tag right now. maybe more of my clients will want to do business with me if i look like a good honest mormon fellow. why do mormon temples never have windows on them?

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3.21.2005

don't worry, i am fine...

i was going to be a rock star but i never learned to play the guitar. i was going to be famous but i settled for obscurity. i was going to make a difference but the only thing i've changed is myself. i traded ambition for comfort, desire for complacency. when did this happen? it never occurred to me that my dreams were stupid and unattainable. things just passed me by. somehow, i woke up indifferently late for my life.

i, the non-conformist, fit the mold perfectly. suits and ties are my uniform. i am the masses, repetition and simple existence are my lot. i want off this plateau. what made me settle? is apathy inescapable?

i am not happy or sad, not angered or pleased. i am overwhelmed by a hollow numbness. an inability to feel. meaningless laughter seems to echo in the emptiness left by ambition.

i am going to stop now, sorry for the funk i am in. maybe i will have some sunshine for you all next time.

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finally...

isolation, no contact with the outside world. my window to sanity is gone, no faceless audience, no witty banter, no pseudo-friends, only fog. monday has come with its usual abruptness, and there is no escaping its sinister grip. the residual haze of a nyquil laced weekend has yet to wear off. a cold shower and overwhelming sunlight have failed to lift this unwelcome stupor. damn you sickness, damn you monday, and damn this fickle wireless connection.
why is it that I find comfort in the thoughts of strangers? what does this imaginary world have that I cannot find in the trivial exchanges of my co-workers? is it brilliance? is it meaning, humor, or mutual disillusionment? perhaps it is just the mystery. perplexing

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3.20.2005

cuz i was bored

Bourbon
Congratulations! You're 104 proof, with specific scores in beer (80) , wine (100), and liquor (52).
Screw all that namby-pamby chick stuff, you're going straight for the bottle and a shot glass! It'll take more than a few shots of Wild Turkey or 99 Bananas before you start seeing pink elephants. You know how to handle your alcohol, and yourself at parties.



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3.19.2005

to all the fans of march madness...

can you get taste loss from a foosball table?

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3.18.2005

tea and sympathy

the title has nothing to do with the post other than the fact that i am drinking tea while i type. i think i am getting sick, so i am hoping the tea reverses this. being sick sucks. maybe it was the green beer, but i doubt it. how come i always decide i should take better care of my body when it is already getting sick? probably because i am stupid. damn, this is shaping up to be a short post. have a good weekend everyone. perhaps i will be more coherent soon.

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3.17.2005

self

happy st. paddy's day. green beer and irish cheer to everyone. i was crossing the street today to work and 2 cars sped up and honked at me. they were not even close to me they just honked because they hated me...good story eh?

i used to have a friend, actually i will call her an acquaintance because i kind of hated her, who would always interrupt people to tell her own stories..."that reminds me of me," she would say. as if this wasn't bad enough, the stories would just end. it would feel like the middle of the story, but it was the end. and then? and then that is the end. just like the story above. it was so weird, like a joke with no punch line. now this post is becoming exactly what it is describing, a pointless post with no kicker.

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3.16.2005

damn blogger

i just wrote an amazingly brilliant post and blogger ate it. dammit. now my mind is blank, all i had to say was poured out into nothingness. oh well, whatever, nevermind.

sorry for the word vomit. i will probably edit this post soon so it doesn't end up getting me in trouble.

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damn it feels good to be a gangsta

holy hell! my boss changed the station we usually listen to at work. now instead of classic rock we are listening rap. jigga what? i am kind of a music snob and this shit is driving me crazy. right now this winning station is playing "old school rap" for lunch. ahhh! that is all i can say right now, i can't think. i am going to kelbel's world for some shins...aaahhhh, more old rap. ha! lucky me.

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3.15.2005

here comes the rain again

ah! seattle is once again seattle, the sun has gone away and a familiar grey morning has returned. why is it that every time it rains here, traffic sucks. it is a very common occurrence and yet people freeze up as if the the have never seen this water-like substance falling from the sky. its just rain, it happens all the time. i am all for caution, but get off the freeway and take a surface road if you can't drive in the rain.

...segue...sometimes when it rains i like to put on some old jeans and a hoody and lay on my back in the rain. it is soothing, it washes away everything and replaces even the simplest of thoughts with a gentle pitter patter. it replaces the elusive tears that, try as the may, cannot find my face. tears from the sky. am i depressed? no! laughter with no antonym is meaningless.

i probably should not post this. i have just painted a strange picture of myself. but hey, this is me.

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3.14.2005

random thought

if i was gay would i be attracted to myself? or is it like one of those it is not possible to tickle yourself things? (you can stop with the tickling, it won't work.) now, back to the question. i am not talking about looking in the mirror and saying, "damn, i am a good looking guy." i am referring to full on attraction. could i want myself? would i make myself nervous when i walked into the room? would the sight of me make my hands sweat and my mind race with all the things i want to do to me? would i be my soul (solo) mate?

if this is the case do you think that after the novelty stage of my relationship wore off, i would fight with myself? perhaps i would get pissed at me for not calling me, or not making the bed, or not listening to what i was really saying? who would be right in a fight, me or me?

maybe it is not possible to have a long term romantic relationship with yourself. perhaps nobody can truly love themself in a butterflies sort of way. maybe they could. who knows?

okay, i don't know where the hell that came from. i am dead sober. something to ponder though.

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a post

my brothers came to seattle this weekend. they are on spring break and are probably sleeping right now. i, on the other hand, am working. damn! as much as college sucked, it was a hell of a lot more fun than this. i want a spring break, i want summers and government holidays off. oh well.

another sunny monday. what the hell is going on. it was sunny all weekend and once again today. it should be raining, it should have been raining for weeks. hmmm. i want to rip off my clothes and run naked to the beach. errrr? maybe just go for a walk anything to get out of the office. ok....the weekend is wearing off and when it does i will have more to say.

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3.11.2005

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

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3.10.2005

blogger blows

blogger is being stupid toady. since i can't post comments on anyone's blog i guess i will put up more content. i guess since my blog title is plagiarised i will give credit to the brilliance i have passed off as my own. it comes from a death cab for cutie (my favorite band) song. here ya go friends.

405 (ben gibbard)
i took the 405 and drove a stake down into
your center, and stated that it's never ever
been better than this. i hung my favorite
shirt on the floorboard, wrinkled up from
pulling pushing and tasting, tasting.

you keep twisting the truth, that keeps me
thrown askew.

misguided by the 405 'cause it lead me to an
alcoholic summer. i missed the exit to your
parents' house hours ago. red wine and the
cigarettes: hide you bad habits underneath
the patio,
patio, patio, patio.

you keep twisting the truth, that keeps me thrown askew.
you keep twisting the truth, that keeps me thrown askew.


so how is that for a lazy post?

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insert title here

damn, it looks like blogger is possessed again today...i saw a bentley today with a jesus fish on the back of it. i think i am going to go buy a jesus fish for my honda; maybe it will turn into a bentley. that would be sweet...jesus built my hotrod. .!..

i used to have long hair, not super-long, just to the bottom of my cheekbones. then i cut it because i had to get a job. but i liked my long hair, it made me look like a surfer. now i am letting it get long again but it sucks. it is in the "in between" stage and it is a big pain in the ass. everyday i want to cut it all off but i don't really know why i disclosed any of this, i guess it is on my mind today. .!..

my boss just took me out for an early lunch. we had steak and eggs and hefeweizen. yum!! now i am buzzed and satiated and i am getting tired. its only 11:30 and i feel like taking a nap. i guess the beer is contributing to my obvious lack of coherence here. that is okay though i like it when my paragraphs don't go together. so once again, i am allowing my paragraphs to give each other the finger. .!..

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3.09.2005

happy humpday

hey all...looks like i don't have much to say yet.

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3.08.2005

thanks

ok, since you never know where the stuff you put up on the web ends up i have decided to take down my previous post. thank you all for your advice, we'll see where this ends up (no where good).

my internet connection was down this morning, dammit! my only link to sanity was gone and it was almost too much to take. to make things worse there is no coffee here anymore. some dumbass left the coffee pot on all nite and it boiled over. now, we don't get a coffee pot. to you, this probably means nothing, but it is actually very serious. drinking coffee has always been my savior. no, i don't get alertness or razor sharp focus from imbibing copious amounts of scalding caffeine, coffee does more for me....

every time somebody comes to me with a dumb look on their face, i reach for my java. as they launch into a question or statement that has stupid written all over it, i lift my oversized mug to my mouth and slowly sip. hidden behind my mug is unmistakable contempt. sometimes it is a smirk, sometimes a scowl, and sometimes it is desperation, a sudden desire for suicide. this is never seen by the person speaking to me. as warm coffee rolls down my throat i think, "damn, that is good." yes, it is the warm goodness of coffee that washes away the disdain from my face. by the time i set my mug down and return the obligatory eye-contact a soft smile has found its way to my face. and then, overwhelmed by the liquid gold my body is still enjoying, i reply in a voice so gentle it shocks me as it reaches my ears.

my long time solace is gone. i do have the internet but no more ploys to hide my true self. i think a mask might be too much. i am frantically trying to come up with something. however the blanks i keep drawing seem to hint that maybe the coffe did help my mind too....i am out the door to starbucks right now. do you want anything?

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3.07.2005

ouch

i just burned my entire mouth with my starbucks. it is a good thing though, now i am not so worried about how short my weekend was and how long this week is going to be. i am also going to save a fortune on beer this week because i won't be able to taste if it is cheap beer. maybe i should do this more often.

i am also glad that the weather sucks this morning. it makes it easier to hate monday. usually the weather always sucks in seattle at this time of year. i guess the world must be ending because it has only rained 4 days since january and l.a. has practically drowned. well that is all for now...more to come soon.

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3.05.2005

weekend rerun

i have been blog surfing and now i feel like i should post something. however, i can't really think of anything charming to say. worry not dear reader, i have a solution. its like recycling. i have decided to reuse an old post because....hmmm, well i figured most of you haven't seen it and i thought you might enjoy it. i apologize if you have already read this or if this seems self-serving (i guess it is, ha.) hopefully my brain will be back later. here ya go -->

so apparently i am ethnocentric, at least that's what my anthropology teacher says. i couldn't help but laugh as she babbled on about the trappings of my mindset. i am definitely not racist or bigoted, yet the fact that i think my culture is in some way superior to the culture of some less developed country makes me a moron. i now know it is wrong of me to think that our advancements are superior to the stone axes and hieroglyphics of our more isolated counterparts.

isn't college amazing, my mind is being expanded to be able to comprehend these seemingly counterintuitive theories. thanks to my higher education i can now throw my laptop out the window, and run naked to the forest in search of my next meal which i will kill with my newly formed spear. i had no clue how wrong i have been for so long. i can't wait to be liberated from my narrow minded view of life and make giant leaps backwards in human evolution.

i think the problem here is that the anthropology department at this fine institution has become anthocentric. they have formed their unique views and now deem the rest of us, who happen to think about things with slight hints of logic, inferior. they have become the superior specimens in our society and try to inform the rest of us how much better their thinking is while simultaneously looking down on us. here in lies a glaring contradiction, which means they are teaching me a bunch of crap. you can not teach it as a better way of thinking without holding some centric view of your own. i love all culture but i happen to value things like air conditioning more than say, oh i dunno, dying of heat stroke in the sahara, all the while sticking to my non-ethnocentric views. whatever, kudos to college.

thanks for tuning in. red wine and cigarettes will return to its regularly scheduled fresh posts very soon.

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3.03.2005

drowning would have been better...

i have this friend who is trying to start his "own company." he has been begging me to come and hear some guy talk about how i too can be independently wealthy. well, that is the first bad sign right there but i have made up excuses to pass on too many of his invites. so, being the pushover that i am, i finally obliged him. dammit!!! if only i had been drunk...or high or dead. i was supposed to meet him after work and he was going to show me how to get to where we were going.

we met up and he led the way to b.f.e. if i would have known it was a 40 minute drive from civilization i would have bought a hunting rifle or something. the whole way i was scared to death a bear was going to leap from the woods and maul my poor, innocent honda. upon arrival, he informed me this was a "special" nite because we were at a "very nice" house and there was an important guest speaker. (shit, this just keeps getting worse.)

we entered the house and it was buzzing with activity; a true den of suckers. about ten minutes later a doe-eyed, leggy brunette introduced herself to us and asked if we would like a tour. we followed like sheep to the slaughter. it turns out it wasn't her house she was just on tour duty. w.t.f. since when do houses have tour guides. she went on and on about every room and the amazing owner of the place. it was a decent house but these people were eating it up as if they have never been in anything larger than a double wide. (another bad sign.)

our tour guide seemed to be extremely fond of the word "slash." this is the kitchen "slash" dining room. this is the theatre "slash" hangout room. this is the workout "slash" music room. this is the downstairs "slash"... i wanted to scream, "this our tour guide 'slash' daehkcuf."

we finally made our way from the bedroom "slash" baby making area into the living room "slash" place that had some couches and awaited the mystery guest speaker. it turns out this guy used to be an mtv host and calvin klien model. it must have been a long time ago because he had one of those made for radio faces. just to prove it he showed us a picture of him in his underwear. (as if there weren't enough bad signs.) he looked vastly different and i became afraid...very afraid.

i was sitting on the hearth of the fireplace (big mistake.) i prayed to everything holy that my ass would suddenly become fat. it hurt soooo bad. mr. model could care less, he spoke for two hours about nothing more than a glorified amway. he related stories about all these famous people he knew and how successful he used to be. apparently he was not truly happy until he discovered this amazing money-making scheme. he went on and on trying to get us all to accept this company as our personal lord and savior.

my head was spinning, i had to do something. if only i could break my leg, my ass would feel better and i could escape to the hospital...to freedom. sadly, as hard as i tried, it wouldn't break and i was forced to endure the cruel and unusual punishment to my ass and my mind. i almost caved, i wanted to jump to my feet and beg his company to come into my heart so i could get the hell out of there. but, i made it, the talking was over and i slowly stood up, knowing that any rapid movement would unleash a million pins and needles into my non-existent posterior. after some obligatory small talk and academy award-winning fake interest, i slipped into the night and sped off. what a waste, if only i had spent the evening reading the dictionary and waxing my entire body.

damn, that was kind of long and to you, probably pointless but i appreciate your patience. i just had to get it all out to keep me from killing someone today. if anyone ever invites you to a dubious function, they hate you...get away, never speak to them again. they seek your soul.

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3.02.2005

unexplained chipper-ness

my room-mate is a much better person than me. we both had to work at the same time today but our mornings were vastly different. she, being the better one, got up 2 hours before she needed to leave. i could hear her preparing for the day, she watched some morning news while she ate breakfast and chatted on the phone. then she showered and did her hair. finally, she applied her face from the collection of bottles that live in her makeup kit. all of this was done with an incessant humming that was more chipper than a thousand early-spring robins. i subconsciously took note of this as i tried to soak up every second of sleep i could. i have decided she must do speed, how else could she possibly have that much energy in the morning?

i, on the other hand, slept until 15 minutes before i needed to leave. i love sleep, it is amazing, i won't give up a minute of it in the morning if i don't have to. so at 14 minute until my departure i clumsily made my way into the shower secretly hoping to god the world would end so i could go back to bed. with 9 minutes left i shaved, at the 6 minute mark, i "did" my hair and at 3 minutes i randomly threw on some clothes and made for the front door.

"have a good day at work," chimed my roommate as i stumbled out into the blinding light of day.

"you too," i mubled.

at the red lights and slow spots on the freeway i managed to tie my shoes and button up my shirt. i then tied my tie, while sitting and driving. this, mind you, is an amazing skill, i am thinking about adding it to my resume. and ten minutes later i walked in the front door of my work.

"man you look tired," said the receptionist.

"wow aren't you observant," i thought.

"oh, it looks like your shoe is untied," she said.

"dammit!! i guess there weren't enough red lights today," i muttered to the puzzled face of the receptionist.

moral of the story...when i get home i am going to ask my roommate to share her drugs tomorrow.

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3.01.2005

overtly descriptive

my co-worker just walked by with....get ready...a diet cherry vanilla dr. pepper. she looked at me smugly as she casually imbibed her beverage. i knew she was secretly gloating in the superiority of her soda. i could see her giving me the finger in her mind. "ha," she was thinking to herself, "my beverage has three adjectives and a damn p.h.d. what does your drink have?"

"damn" i thought "my pepsi has not one descriptive modifier, she is kicking my ass in this game of beverage grammar" i wanted to pull out a sharpie and write bigger and better words on my drink. that's it! now i can drink mildly refreshing, wickedly exiting, sugar-loaded ice cold pepsi cola.

"ha, take that." i thought smiling inside, "wipe that smug look off your face. my soda tastes better now because i have described it better than anyone could ever describe yours." i just one-upped her in this childish game that existed only in my own mind. i am sure that she was completely unaware that by drinking such an adjective laden beverage she had gone to war with me and lost. yes! she lost very badly. i love these head games because in my mind i always win. and now i am flirting with geekland again, having fake battles in my mind and winning...always winning.

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