anonymous comment

in response to one of my previous posts anonymous said...

"98% of the general population is stupid...you think you are part of the 2% that isn't? Has it occurred to you that apparently you were stupid enough to fit your bosses hiring criteria too?"

thanks for the comment nameless reader. first of all...i am well aware of the fact that i fit the shitty hiring criteria. i was stupid enough to take a job that has me managing morons. so, i obviously don't put myself in the 2%. i am stupid enough to call myself stupid...errr wait, maybe that makes me smart. confusing!

you say 98% of the population is stupid eh? (has it occurred to you that 95% of statistics are wrong? ha!!) that is kind of scary; we are all screwed, soon the 98% will have sex with the remaining 2% making the entire population stupid. unless smart people like you create your own little brilliant colony. then you can make smart inbred babies who will rule over the rest of us. the whole world is getting dumber and soon the only smart people will be mutants because they are the offspring of you and your genius relatives. that must be why you are shrouding yourself in anonymity, because you are making babies with your relatives. procreate, genius; save us all from our inherent stupidity. three armed babies are always better than ones with no i.q.


i am such a follower...

so, i caved. i am following suit (dammit i am such a sheep.) if you wanna play, just follow the rules below.

here are the rules for this Blog-a-thon. i'll offer to interview the next three people to respond to this post that will follow these rules:
1. leave me (sam) a comment saying -interview me.
2. i will respond by asking you five questions here on red wine and cigarettes. they will be different questions than the ones above.
3. you will update your blog/site with the answers to the questions.
4. you will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. when others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

and my answers to martinilove's questions.

1. If you were to become the president of this great country, what would you REALLY do first?

if i were president, the first thing i would do after i traveled the world on the taxpayer's dime is legalize marijuana. not because i smoke it (not in years) but because it is stupid to make it illegal. i could go on for pages about this but i won't elaborate. elect me and burn one down.

2. Do you have a memory from when you were younger that you believe you made up and it never really happened?

ha! too many, it is hard to pick just one. i once got a trophy for some stupid achievement. the problem is i am 95% positive that i never actually accomplished said achievement. but, since i swore up and down that i did, i think there is a chance i may have actually earned the trophy.

3. Who is the one person that means the most to you?

hmmm. probably my dad. cheesy, yes! what can i say, he is an inspiration. and thanks to him i exist.

4. If you believe in past lives who or what were you? If you don't why don't you believe?

i like to think i was a bra. who knows, maybe i was a bottle of amazing wine. actually i was probably a box of cheap wine. i honestly don't know what i think of past lives. who really knows about the gap that exists before and after life.

5. What color of socks do you have on?

white, always white (even though i have a black suit on; tacky, i know)


chaos in blogland

dammit. the inherent sobriety that is monday is manifesting itself in an insatiable thirst and inability to focus...what was i saying? my weekend was over before it began and now here i am back at work. damn. i have so much to do but my motivation for actual work seems to be rather elusive. ha, isn't that a surprise?

so craziness is happening in blogland today. these interviews are showing up in the places i frequent. it sounds intriguing. it is funny how fast this stuff takes off. i saw it once this weekend and now there is no escaping the probing questions. well i guess there is because i am avoiding them. someone might find out that i am boring...oh, damn now everyone knows. ignore that, i am actually fascinating. ok, that was a pointless post, i gotta work for a bit....more to come later.



beer (and golf)

since i haven't been golfing since high school and i really like beer; i met up with my friends to drink and play golf, respectively. damn i really suck at golfing, but hey, i was really there to have a legitimate reason to start drinking before noon. i think i will start golfing more (so i can drink genius.)

this is what i don't get, why the hell do golfers take themselves so damn seriously. it is hardly even a sport, you just try and hit a little ball with a long stick. and then you drive to where you hit the ball and hit it with a different stick. now, i realize that any sport can be boiled down to ridiculous explanations, but golf is different. you don't even break a sweat. yes, it is fun, but no, you don't have to pretend like it is some gruelling event.

when i walked out onto the course with my (rental) clubs, there were about 20 guys stretching oddly and warming up. i couldn't help but thinking, "did i come to the wrong place, is this the boston marathon, or are we golfing?" seriously guys, are you going to sprint after your ball when you hit it? no, you are just going to drink beer all day. i guess i am not old enough yet to feel the need to warm up for a day of drinking. and what is with the vests and the one gloved micheal jackson look? does a $50 glove really help you hit farther? for $50 don't you think you should at least get a pair. maybe everyone acts as if this is a very taxing event and looks the part to help camouflage their alcoholism. hmmm, i guess i may never understand these things. golf is serious, i am just uneducated. oh, well.




i have never thought of myself as a geek. any of my friends would be quick to agree that i am anything but that. i realize that by making this claim, all my friends will now chime in and say, "sam, you are the biggest geek we know." by doing this, they are only advertising their own geeky-ness. (is that even a word?) and now by saying this, they won't attest to my inner geek. actually, they may, either way, i predicted what they will do. they will now say that i am or am not a geek. mark my words, this is what they will do.

sorry for the digression; i will start over and actually get to the point i was going to (which i have no idea what that may be) ....so, i have never thought of myself as a geek. i have a very healthy social life, a keen since of fashion (don't dispute this too bastards) and an unrivalled sense of humor (yes, my sarcasm is often responsible for needless trouble.) however, i am beginning to think i am flirting with what some may call geeky-ness. no, i don't spend countless hours glued to a ps2, i have never played dungeons and dragons, i have never once advertised my computer's processor speed like i am in a cock measuring contest, and no, i have not attended a lan-party. (wow, that was a borderline run-on sentence.) i do however, love electronic devices, (use your imagination folks) i spend too much time in the fictitious world of blogland, and today i did diddle with html.

what does this make me? have i fallen from my delusional coolness and become stuck in geekland? dammit, i think i have. (oh, and what the hell is up with all this parenthetical speak, i think that falls in the geek column too.) so what now; how do i escape my new-found geek-hood? (which includes new, less interesting compound words.) can i ever reattain my simulated coolness? suggestions?

sorry for the excessive use of bracketed thoughts in this post...ok i'm done. (except for one thing; after reading this, i feel like it sounds like a teenage girl wrote it. do geeks write like teenage girls?)


cuz everyone else is jumping off a cliff

so, (i think i start too many sentences with "so") thanks to the latest happenings in brandyland; i have added some links to some of my favorite blogs. if your blog is not there, i apologize, i will put it there soon. enjoy these other places; though everyone who climbs into my head has probably been to most of these places. okay, i am going to try and get something done now...more to come soon.

why isn't "blog" in blogger's spellcheck dictionary? neither is "blogger" or "spellcheck." shouldn't they substantiate their own existence?



hard at work

for some unexplained reason it has been sunny here in seattle for two weeks straight. working on days like this saps what little motivation i usually have. there seems to be an inverse relationship between the brightness of the sun and my desire to work. so in the spirit of shirking responsibility on this the sunniest of humpdays, i have composed a list of ways to look busy at work without actually working.

1. blog, this makes it look like you are getting something useful done on your computer (i guess this is actually useful to somone.)

2. pick up the phone at random intervals and pretend to call somone.

3. actually call someone and just b.s. with them.

4. b.s. with someone you manage and if the boss walks by throw in important work related buzz words.

5. if your boss needs you say, "ok, give me a couple minutes, i just gotta finish this up first." (obviously you are actually doing nothing.)

6. get up from your desk and walk to another part of the office resolutely, like you really have to get to where your going.

7. when you walk back pretend to be on your cell phone with a client.

8. when everyone else goes to lunch tell them you can't leave yet because you are really busy; then leave 5 minutes later.

9. when you are really bored make up a fictitious appointment and then leave.

10. randomly walk around talking to yourself about what you need to do; this makes you appear slightly crazy but very dedicated.

11. stare blankly into the distance and slightly move your lips, like you are trying to remember something important.

12. always have a messy desk.

13. always appear to be very stressed.

14. make stupid lists.

give some of these a whirl, you will be amazed at how much you won't get done.



tuesday is secretly the worst day of the week. monday, we all expect to suck. it has long been regarded as terrible and everyone dreads it. thus, monday is not as bad as it is made out to be. everyone is prepared for it to suck and when it does, there is no shock. wednesday a.k.a humpday can't be bad. no matter what wednesday brings, it is called humpday...therefore, it is a great day. thursday, well it is the day before friday, just being associated with friday boosts the status of thursday exponentially. friday, saturday, sunday...there is nothing to say but, "bottoms up kids, it's the weekend."

so this leaves tuesday, it has no claim to fame and is bound to suck. the weekend is still too far away to look forward to and rehashing the goodtimes of the previous weekend makes you look stupid. tuesday is inherently boring, and the fact that it lies in the shadow of monday makes it suck worse. damn this sucks. tuesday has taken far too much of my time. this is pointless, i will stop.




sorry for my recent absence; i spent the last part of my week reading 1984. the thing that sucks about reading a good book is that it always ends. and the book i chose ended more abruptly than most. dammit, my friends for the past few days have vanished from my life. i knew them so well and now i know them no more. there is nothing left to discover, no more twists and turns of plot, no more suspense to engage my mind. that is why i hate reading books, they suck.

besides my imaginary friends, my weekend was very entertaining. i went out a lot this weekend and my alcohol induced mockery almost got me into a fight. ha!! but i won't bore you all with intricate accounts of my witty comebacks and beer drowned conversations. though certain details are vivid in my mind, the atmosphere that holds these details is far too fuzzy to bring about context.

...till next time pseudo-friends.



some advice...

why does everyone feel entitled to give me advice. if i asked for your opinion, that would be one thing; but your two cents are worth just that. sometimes i think i have a sign on my head that says "chime in with your thoughts at anytime." to which i say; "no! shut the hell up." just because you have a mouth doesn't mean you need to advertise how stupid you are....

"here's what i think, if i were you i would...

(at this point i begin to zone out and words bounce off me like chicks off a gay guy)

....so that's what you should do."

hmmm....i could respond to this pointless suggestion. but to dignify these remarks with anything more than silence would make my new advisor think the sentences they just strung together were not a waste of breath. that would be unfair to all parties involved. they would take their newly acquired advice giver license and spread stupidity to everyone they know. so sometimes ignoring idiots is all it takes. unfortunately there are also uber-idiots (sorry about the uber). these poor people don't take silence as a hint....this is actually a really stupid and pointless rant and i should delete it. but since i already typed this much and my blog is overdue for a new post i will leave it. sometimes people just annoy the hell out of me; as i am sure you are fully aware of. ok i'm bored now, laters



brilliance taunts my co-workers

so i have this job in which i am a (job title). i like to keep the mystery alive, if i tell you what i do you will race to all sorts of conclusions about me (because i am a janitor at the lusty lady). anyways, my job requires me to supervise a bunch of other (job titles). and this is where things go wrong. unfortunately, i had nothing to do with the hiring of these ummmm people and so i had no way of evaluating their intellect. needless to say my team is pretty much stupid.

from the minute i walk in the door until the minute i leave i am bombarded with stupid questions. the same questions over and over. even while i am talking to clients on the damn phone. i guess the black object perched gently upon my ear into which a speak at random intervals means nothing these days. you know, there was a time when a phone really meant something to people, they respected it and left me alone. what is this god-forsaken world coming to? i think my boss, who hired these sdaehkcuf, was trying to punish me. perhaps in his hiring process he thinks anyone with a more than an ounce of independent brain power is a threat to his intellect. and so i am stuck with a group of employees that lack the ability to think on their own. it amazes me that they possess the smarts to hold themselves up in their chairs.

pregnant mothers eat for two; well i think for six. dammit its hard work. my brain is mush as is evidenced by my shoddy writing and...shit i forgot. does anyone else work with dumbasses? how do you make it through the day without wishing for armageddon?


krispy kremes

i just got off the phone with my friend johnny who just finished eating a krispy kremes doughnut. "mmmmm" you're thinking. that's because you're stupid (at the risk of alienating every female reader.) krispy kremes are the most overrated pieces of fried shit in the world. whenever a new krispy kremes goes up, every fat idiot who drinks their coffee too hot and no longer has working taste buds lines up like frat boys at a dumbass convention. all for a hot greasy doughnut. "because they are so good." i just realized that i am the idiot here, telling fat people that their doughnuts suck is like telling rabbits that humping is boring.

what do you think is an uglier sight; a fat person engulfing a dozen doughnuts or a skinny person puking them up? i don't know why the hell i just thought of that but weigh in (get it stupid) on this one if you want. okay i am tired and i obviously can't think of anything intelligent to say. goodnight blogland.



fat tuesday

no, this is not a post about some drunken event. it just happens to be fat tuesday and i feel i owe it to you to write something. it seems i have neglected my duty of maintaining this foggy window into my head for over a week. my apologies reader. i will try to improve. but hey, when do my intentions ever evolve into follow through? ha, there is some ammo for my detractors.

anyways, i will try. i am posting from work today, let's say i am on lunch so no heads will roll. i guess that wednesday brings lent. so if you feel the obligation, give up a bad habit for 40 days. i personally, have decided to give up work. it was a hard decision, i mean, i love it so much and it is such a part of me; it will be a hard habit to kick. don't worry, i will still come in every day, i just won't do anything. i'm not even gonna try and look busy. nope! sitting and gazing blankly at the wall will be my new protocol. i might get up and walk around from time to time, just to keep my ass from becoming permanently glued to my faux-leather chair. but other than that, just mindless workplace existence. lalalahummdydum.........

more posts to come more regularly.... i promise.