hi, i am stupid and i have nothing interesting to talk about. its not that my life sucks or that it is in any way boring. except for the part where i am sleeping, eating, driving, working, and not working. so that is about all of it i guess. anyway, the excitment and humor that i think about sharing with you seems rather trivial by the time i sit in front of my screen. but hey, the devil is in the details.

i went to the mall yesterday with two women. then i exfoliated my face with a cheese grater. i enjoyed that more. no, actually the women i was with were very entertaining but i am rather troubled by people and malls and more specifically women and shoes. i once fell off my motorcycle wearing only shorts and to stop the bleeding i jumped into the ocean. the sharks were much more cordial than the estrogen fest at the nordstroms rack shoe section. i could go on but why?

i think i will make this paragraph be about something that has nothing to do with the previous one. since the first and second paragraphs hate each other i figured i should let this one in on the hate fest too. i like it when my paragraphs ignore each other and only speak to each other to say "you suck." why? because my high school english teacher said paragraphs should love each other and together make one big happy family. but that's what everyone does, and these succinct paragraphical orgies are getting old. i am sick of everyone's paragraphs being all nice to each other and making out and patting themselves on the back because their bond is so strong. so read between the lines and see my groups of words giving each other the finger. .!..



i am an indie snob!

How indie are you?
test by ridethefader

You're just too cool for school, aren't you? You're pretty narrow minded
and opinionated with regards to music (and probably most other things
as well). But you're allowed to be, because you really are better
than everyone else. You take pride in obscurity.
You probably prefer vinyl too, you elitist bitch.

wow! by answering eight simple questions these geniuses have figured me out. way to go over there. you've done in seconds what i am still trying to do. thanks. i am going to go buy a burberry scarf because that picture reminds me that i have always wanted one. then i am going to thumb my nose at all you top 40 listening asshats. well ok, i guess i am kind of a snob.



look no further

i wish i could say something to engage you. some thought or phrase to make you think, make you laugh, and ultimately keep you coming back. but, no. my mind is blank and my fingers merely tap out incoherences. will we ever escape this rut? will we walk away from this paycheck to paycheck lifestyle and become something? and what is something? is it money, sex or hedonism? or is it this? living day to day, imbibing the pleasures this life affords us. do we strive for some illusion of happiness, or find the smiles of this moment?
here i am going off the deep-end; delving into questions and leaving the readers with emptiness. i want to humor you, i want to take the questions out of your mind. but how? i have only questions for your questions? answers taunt me! closure hides in the dark corners of this picture we are painting.
so what am i saying? eat, drink, enjoy the now. don't get bogged down in the intricacies we intellects stumble upon. life is but a breath; enjoy it. and that is where the normal person would stop. a clean break, a magnificent cliché ending. yet i cannot, i cannot leave this train of thought to some trite conclusion. banalities disgust me, yet I find them fascinating. instead of leaving you with today's token platitude, i will leave you with...nothing. sorry if this is not the smile you came here for. it is not what i came for either.



you forgot to wash your hands

i woke up this morning and thought about how stupid you are. your very existence is a glaring contradiction and crap in the bottom of the gene pool. i couldn't help but noticing that you forgot to wash your hands after you pissed on my life. and now you are spreading your diseased excrement all over this world. am i angry? do i hate you? no, i am indifferent, your place in my world is disappearing. you are pathetic.

hmm...so anyway, it is raining now and contrary to popular belief it sounds nothing like bacon in the frying pan.

i apologize for the lack of linear thought here. i got home from work today and brushed my teeth because my mouth tasted like stale coffee. then i had a glass of wine. toothpaste and wine make an unbelievably terrible combination. you should try it.



damn right i'm a coug...

since i spent the weekend in pullman i figured i should pay some tribute. though nothing in that god-forsaken town has changed; i did have a good time. music, friends, drinks, and laughter. what more can one ask for? i guess the location doesn't matter. with the right people, any place can become the right place. so here i am laying on the cheese. lame i know. but, i really did enjoy myself and in a strange way i sort of miss the place. well, i miss the people.



here stupid, have some candy...

i like giving candy to dumb people because they really like it. it makes them feel good because it is sweet and it makes me feel good because they are dumb. dumb people are nice. i guess you don't have to be dumb to be nice. when i tell people they are dumb it is because it makes me feel nice. but then i feel dumb for not being nice. i guess you don't have to be mean to be be smart. i think i will stop being mean and just try to be dumb. then maybe i will give myself some candy because i am dumb and i really like it. that will make me feel good because i gave candy to a dumb person. i don't think there is anything wrong with being dumb, that is why i am doing it. being dumb is fun. do you think it is wrong to be dumb? well you are a biggot and that is worse than being dumb. at least dumb people like candy. biggots just sit around and hate people. candy is better than hate. if you tell me i am dumb, i will tell you that you are dumb and that you should give me some candy because it is good.




so this is a little late; but hey, better late than never. to make those of you who had a completely uneventful weekend jealous, let me tell you about mine. besides all the other amazing stuff i did, allow me to whet your appetite with the high point. i went to a tsunami benefit show at the showbox. it featured dave bazan of pedro the lion, james mercer of the shins, and yes, ben gibbard of death cab for cutie and the postal service. wow, what an event, thanks to my buddy greg, i did not miss this event.

anyway, after hearing the brilliance of two of the best songwriters of our day, ben gibbard took the stage. inferiority ensued. i was flabbergasted. yes, i have listened to all of his songs a thousand time. yes, i have long been impressed with his lyrical genius. and yes seeing him live was nothing new to me. yet on this night it was. i stumbled upon a new found respect for his craft.

as the words poured out of his mouth, all his thoughts were bared anew. his troubled soul became the burden of all his captive audience. soon we were all sucked into his mind, sharing in his thoughts, and finding solace in his introspection. granted belly-button gazing has become trendy of late, but as ben gibbbard worked through his set, he made every other self-absorbed singer-songwriter look foolish.

so what am i saying...hmmm. i guess there comes these times in life when somebody says something that makes you feel simultaneously stupid and inspired. in these moments one is torn...should i wallow in my stupidity or strive for brilliance? these moments come without warning; the first time you read romeo and juliet, two minutes after a charlie kaufman film, and yes, all the way through a live performance by ben gibbard.

so here i am blogging away. am i knocking on the door to my own brilliance? is my babble something that strikes anyone to the core? ha! hardly. yet i will continue. perhaps someday, i will make it to the list of the bright minds of my day. however, striving for that is most likely counter-productive. oh well what-ever nevermind.



so i should probably post something...

i am trying to keep this thing up to date. so here is a post...about nothing. i guess when you sit down to write and you have nothing to say then nothing comes out. wasted time, wasted space, wasted breath, and wasted...punctuation. why am i doing this? is it for you or is it for me? am i using this medium to pour out my thoughts to a facelss reader or to employ over-used cliches to make my otherwise emotionless face form that ever elusive smirk. maybe I just want to make you laugh or think? if that is my intention it does not come from benevolence. if i am seeking your reaction i am doing nothing more than filling some emptiness in myself. noble! i know, my selfless motives are often admired by many. so why? what am i doing?

i digress, did you know that laptops can make you sterile? so here i sit with my laptop perched atop a pillow, hoping that a mere two inches of foam will somehow protect my future lineage. why, because i am that sucker that believes the propaganda they put on this here world wide web. a sucker is born every minute.

still nothing, i string together words and say, well...nothing. i hope to master this art soon, to sit, to type, to write. but why? what is it i seek in this? in anything? oh pensive author, why the narcissism? why the introspection? why...?



chain e-mails...

does anyone else get chain e-mails? does anyone else hate them? well here is my response to the most recent one i got?

Whoever you are:
So, I came across one of those stupid chain mail letters in my inbox today. You know, the one's that tell some sappy story that someone with too much time on their hands has concocted. After reading through the list of innocent bystanders this e-mail has been forwarded to I came to the conclusion that you are quite possibly the originator of this waste of words. Since I have always hated these I have finally decided to retaliate.

I, unlike those poor superstitious souls who receive these things, will not contribute to the further circulation of this e-mail. But there are a few things I really want to know.Is this elaborate tale of a poor outcast eventually rising above his peers to be "a cool kid" true? Most likely not, my guess is you just make it up to help placate the rejection you have previously encountered. Don't delude yourself into believing that some event created in the fictitious caverns of your mind will make things better.

I am also dying to know why you must include threats at the bottom of your "inspirational message." People pass these stories on to their friends in order to make themselves feel better. "Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends. WHEN YOU RECEIVE THIS LETTER, YOU'RE REQUESTED TO SEND IT TO AT LEAST 10 PEOPLE, INCLUDING THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU." If you are truly friends of those you send this to, you would not need them to send it back to validate that relationship. How shallow is that? In addition, I can not remember the last time I threatened one of my close friends. You have some nerve to first require your friends to validate your friendship and then heaping guilt upon those who do not continue spreading this crap around the web like a disease.

Why must I send this on to my friends? What are you hoping to accomplish? Why do you implore me to waste their time as you have done with mine? Do you get a paycheck if enough people read this? Did you think everyone would be entertained by this work of fiction? Well you're wrong. If you were not the originator of this, I am sorry to have unloaded years of frustration on you. But please don't tell me you actually fell for this story and that it made you feel all warm inside. Haven't the abundance of these things made you smart enough to see through them? Are they honestly that good, that you feel you must continue to spread them? I don't foresee a Pulitzer for the authors of any of these stories.

Forgive me; I am just sick of this stuff in my e-mail inbox. To me it is worse than spam because it comes from someone I know so I cannot mark it as spam. And then my confidential e-mail address is floating around out there for all the world to see. Today I get sappy stories, tomorrow I will be inundated with, penis enhancements, free credit cards, cheap Viagra, discount cigarettes, and more lonely singles than I could entertain in a lifetime. Is that what you want for your friends? Is this some subtle way of telling me that my penis is in fact too small, that you want me buried in credit card debt, that I should take up smoking because you are hooking me up with cheap cigs, that my flaccidity somehow bothers you, and that my wife is not good enough, so I must re-enter the lonely world bouncing aimlessly among the millions of singles that are "just right" for me? If so, I am sorry you feel that way "friend."

Take Care,




if you don't know now you know

35 Facts you were perfectly happy not knowing…

1. Rubberbands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. The shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only US state whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous" - tremendous, horrendous, stupendous and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The Sesame Street characters Bert and Ernie were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life."
25. Some dragonflies have a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers was an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.



so this is the new year...

...and i don't feel any different. i don't really know what more to say to that. just yesterday people were scrimping and saving for y2k and now its 2005. what happened to all that time. i feel as if i am waking up from some drunken stupor and somewhere in the haze i got old (rip van winkle style). happy new year, maybe this year i will stop and enjoy every sandwich (warren zevon). how can i slow the hands of time? how can i hold on to such a slippery thing?well, enough with the misplaced rhetorical questions, nobody wants to ponder things like this. i can hear the suggestions pouring in, "get a camera, and shut up." ah, helpful...i will point, shoot, and remember always this moment, frozen in time...idiots.! what am i doing? arguing with myself. has the cynic become senile? i am just talking around in circles, posing stupid questions and responding to them with equally stupid answers. why? because i can. ha, there i go again. well, welcome to the dawn of a new year, enjoy it before it vanishes like dandelion seeds in the wind. poof...its 2006